Okay so I have tried. Today for lunch I prepared a healthy salady meal that included a jacket spud, celery, sweetcorn, tomato and spring onion. I even avoided smothering the lot in salt and coleslaw, which is what I usually do with stuff like this to give it some kind of flavour. And as I sat before my plate trying to summon up enough interest to dig in, I must admit dear reader that it did look awfully nice what with all the yellow, red and green colours before me, promising a tasty treat. I felt a zen~like calm flow over my Jagermeister encrusted soul.
Then the f**king thing broke. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WANTS TO EAT THIS CRAP REGULARLY? BESIDES NOT HAVING ENOUGH SUBSTANCE TO FILL A HAMSTER THIS POXY SALAD STUFF IS F**KING HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH! 'HEALTHY EATING' EL OH F**KING EL AS THE INTERNET SAYS. I NEARLY CHOKED TWICE ON THE SWEETCORN ALONE AND IM CERTAIN THAT STRINGY CELERY CRAP IS GOING TO KNOT IN MY COLON SOON. THE BLOODY PLATE WAS A MINEFIELD I TELL YOU. NEVER AGAIN!
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY THAT BOOOZE AFFORDS, COURAGE TO AVOID SOBRIETY AND WISDOM TO AVOID VEGETABLES. AMEN.
For the most part im a gentle, contented soul, happy to let life go on its merry way. But sometimes things happen that would test the patience of a saint (or a poet) and for these little troubles I give you Ranter the Shanter ~ Born to shant, Loves to rant! You think im cute when I get mad? Well in a minute im about to be f**king gorgeous.
Showing posts with label eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating. Show all posts
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Live Fast, Die Faster
An article in The Telegraph today boasts that a new jab administered after suffering a heart attack could be a major breakthrough in cutting deaths. Fine, the Ranter has no issue with that. Hell I'll probably need the injection myself one day. It was a comment by a reader underneath the story which caused my sparkly cider to go flat.
It went thus ~ "one way to prevent a heart attack is not to have one in the first place by living sensibly and taking exercise." You can just imagine what he/she is like on a night out. LISTEN UP DRINKERS, THERE IS NO FUN TO BE HAD IN LIVING SENSIBLY !!!!!!! LIVE FAST DIE FASTER, THIS IS MY CREED.
If I Were A Motorbike Id look Like This
I mean seriously, where in Captain Morgan's name do these poodle get off in preaching to everyone, ALL THE F**KING TIME? GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!! These people give me more grief than any four day bender could on both body and soul. Preachy motherf**kers.
See the photo above? THATS ME IF I WERE A TRANSFORMER ROBOT AND COULD TURN MYSELF INTO A VEHICLE. WHAT WOULD THESE WET WEEKENDS CHANGE INTO? PROBABLY A SEWING MACHINE.
I know what calamities lay in store for myself if I keep living as I do but do you know what? IM STILL GONNA DO IT BECAUSE IM WILLING TO PAY THAT PRICE!! Doctors and these poncey 'health gurus' might be able to frighten others into living like monks BUT THE SH!T WON'T WASH WITH ME. I love life, but only on my terms and if that reduces the years FINE. Cheers !!
It went thus ~ "one way to prevent a heart attack is not to have one in the first place by living sensibly and taking exercise." You can just imagine what he/she is like on a night out. LISTEN UP DRINKERS, THERE IS NO FUN TO BE HAD IN LIVING SENSIBLY !!!!!!! LIVE FAST DIE FASTER, THIS IS MY CREED.
If I Were A Motorbike Id look Like This
I mean seriously, where in Captain Morgan's name do these poodle get off in preaching to everyone, ALL THE F**KING TIME? GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!! These people give me more grief than any four day bender could on both body and soul. Preachy motherf**kers.
See the photo above? THATS ME IF I WERE A TRANSFORMER ROBOT AND COULD TURN MYSELF INTO A VEHICLE. WHAT WOULD THESE WET WEEKENDS CHANGE INTO? PROBABLY A SEWING MACHINE.
I know what calamities lay in store for myself if I keep living as I do but do you know what? IM STILL GONNA DO IT BECAUSE IM WILLING TO PAY THAT PRICE!! Doctors and these poncey 'health gurus' might be able to frighten others into living like monks BUT THE SH!T WON'T WASH WITH ME. I love life, but only on my terms and if that reduces the years FINE. Cheers !!
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