Everyone and their shot glass knows that Wimbledon is happening right now in erm...Wimbledon and great! I love me a little tennis, especially when the rather lovely Serena Williams is playing so that I can ogle her fine pair of legs. (Too bad she went out earlier). Also the event is a good excuse to pour a few Pimm's and lay about on the chez lounge like Cliff Richard's boozier twin.
Just one thing; WHY IN THE NAME OF BJORN BORG'S ODOUR EATERS HAVE THE BBC GOT TIM 'NEVER WON A CABBAGE' HENMAN COMMENTATING ON MATCHES? HE HASN'T WON ANYTHING IMPORTANT AND REPEATEDLY FAILED AT WIMBLEDON. 'HENMAN HILL' MY DRUNKEN ASS! HE CAN SPOUT ALL THE TECHNICAL ADVICE ON THE SPORT IN A BBC STUDIO ALL HE WANTS, HE DIDN'T PUT ANY OF IT TO USE WHEN HE PLAYED.
AND HAS THERE EVER BEEN A MORE BORING ATHLETE? LITTLE TIMMY WOULD MAKE STEVE DAVIS LOOK LIKE IGGY POP! HE LOOKS SO SOBER, AND NOW I NEED A SHOT.
For the most part im a gentle, contented soul, happy to let life go on its merry way. But sometimes things happen that would test the patience of a saint (or a poet) and for these little troubles I give you Ranter the Shanter ~ Born to shant, Loves to rant! You think im cute when I get mad? Well in a minute im about to be f**king gorgeous.
Monday, 27 June 2011
Mwynhauwch!
Blank faces when you read (or tried to read) that title eh? Like discovering you left the cap off last nights cider and must face over 2 litres of flat apple juice. 'Mwynhauwch' is Welsh dears, Welsh for 'enjoy'. And as its shaping up to be one of the hottest days of the year, with glorious sunshine even at 7am, your dear Ranter suggests you do just that!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYONE MOANING THAT ITS TOO HOT AND COMPLAINING IF THE DRINKS ARE WARM! I know we Brits think we have a God given right to whine about the weather but its getting quite tiresome if truth be told.
Chilled!
Yes, the fair Ranter exists to RANT and SHANT but not about the sunshine! ARE WE MAD? WE ONLY EVER SEE THE FRIGGEN' THING FOR A TOTAL OF 3 WEEKS A YEAR, WE OUGHT TO BE EMBRACING THESE STICKY DAYS AND BALMY NIGHTS LIKE THEY WERE THE ONLY PINA COLADAS LEFT IN THE FRIDGE. THE REST OF THE TIME WE'RE ALL WRAPPED UP IN DUFFLE COATS LIKE A HERD OF TROUT ON OUR WAY TO A DRAUGHTY CHAPEL.
REJOICE! HALLELUJAH! A BLAZING SUN MEANS MORE FOLK ARE INCLINED TO PARTAKE OF ALCOHOL, NOT TO MENTION THE FAIRER SEX LIKE TO DRESS UP IN SHORT SKIRTS AND CLEAVAGE REVEALING TOPS. (Actually that should be 'dressing down').
SO GET THEE OUTSIDE AND SIZZLE LIKE BACON AND GUZZLE AND OGLE UNTIL YOUR HEARTS (AND EYES) BE FILLED!!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYONE MOANING THAT ITS TOO HOT AND COMPLAINING IF THE DRINKS ARE WARM! I know we Brits think we have a God given right to whine about the weather but its getting quite tiresome if truth be told.
Chilled!Yes, the fair Ranter exists to RANT and SHANT but not about the sunshine! ARE WE MAD? WE ONLY EVER SEE THE FRIGGEN' THING FOR A TOTAL OF 3 WEEKS A YEAR, WE OUGHT TO BE EMBRACING THESE STICKY DAYS AND BALMY NIGHTS LIKE THEY WERE THE ONLY PINA COLADAS LEFT IN THE FRIDGE. THE REST OF THE TIME WE'RE ALL WRAPPED UP IN DUFFLE COATS LIKE A HERD OF TROUT ON OUR WAY TO A DRAUGHTY CHAPEL.
REJOICE! HALLELUJAH! A BLAZING SUN MEANS MORE FOLK ARE INCLINED TO PARTAKE OF ALCOHOL, NOT TO MENTION THE FAIRER SEX LIKE TO DRESS UP IN SHORT SKIRTS AND CLEAVAGE REVEALING TOPS. (Actually that should be 'dressing down').
SO GET THEE OUTSIDE AND SIZZLE LIKE BACON AND GUZZLE AND OGLE UNTIL YOUR HEARTS (AND EYES) BE FILLED!!
Saturday, 25 June 2011
Adverts Begone !
Straight off the bat here; I HATE ADVERTS POPPING UP UNEXPECTABLY ON THE INTERWEBZ, ITS ANNOYING AS WARM BEER AND ANY COMPANY WHO THINKS THEY'LL GET A SALE FROM THE RANTER BUYING THEIR CRAPPY PRODUCTS CAN FORGET IT! THIS GOES FOR SH!TTY TELEVISION ADVERTS TOO. 'GO COMPARE' GUY, GO COMPARE YOUR ASS. THOSE 118 118 DINGBATS, GO F**K YOURSELVES!
PICTURE SHARING SITES ARE THE WORST IN MY EXPERIENCE. TRY UPLOADING A FEW SNAPS AND BANG! AN ADVERT FLOGGING INSURANCE OR SOMETHING POPS UP. BASTARDOS. YOU WON'T GET A PENNY OUT OF ME.
PICTURE SHARING SITES ARE THE WORST IN MY EXPERIENCE. TRY UPLOADING A FEW SNAPS AND BANG! AN ADVERT FLOGGING INSURANCE OR SOMETHING POPS UP. BASTARDOS. YOU WON'T GET A PENNY OUT OF ME.
Thursday, 16 June 2011
And The Point Is?
Apologies my pickled brethren for my unusual silence these past few weeks. You see your dear Ranter has been moving house and was interwebz free, thus I was unable to spew my bitter bile on things that pisseth me off. (And id just like this opportunity to tell you that those people who like to move house every few years or so are insane, insane I tell you!!)
Anyway, cheats. What are they about then? Eh? The type who really boil my lager and have me running for the fridge are gaming cheats. Everywhere I go, videogame shops, internet, magazines, Facebook, yada yada, there are offers of game cheats to 'help' you get ahead in your favourite game. HELP MY SOZZLED ASS! ITS NOT F**KING 'HELP', ITS DOWNRIGHT LAZINESS AND IF YOU NEED CHEATS TO BEAT A GAME THEN YOU SHOULD GIVE YOURSELF A SLAP AND WALK AWAY FROM IT! *Drinks shot*
Now im not talking about those who genuinely get stuck on a fiendish level after they've attempted to overcome it by not using cheats. Hell we ALL do that and anyone who has played Ghosts n' Goblins will know what I mean.
IM SPEAKING OF THOSE CRETINOUS TYPES WHO IMMEDIATELY AFTER STARTING A GAME, INPUT A CHEAT IN ORDER FOR THEM TO GAIN ALL THE GOODIES THEN SIT BACK WITH A SMUG GRIN ON THEIR HORRIBLE FACES! A POX ON THEM ALL, I HOPE THEY ALL GET AWFUL HANGOVERS EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T DRINK. WHY DO IT? WHAT IS THE POINT OF BOOTING UP A NEW GAME THEN ACHIEVING EVERYTHING VIA CHEAT CODES? ITS NOT CLEVER YOU PUNY MINDED SOULS! HOW CAN YOU FEEL A SENSE OF TRIUMPH IF YOU'VE CHEATED? YOU UTTERLY FALSE BA$TARDS! STICK TO LEGO OR PLAY DOH. *Drinks shot*
Anyway, cheats. What are they about then? Eh? The type who really boil my lager and have me running for the fridge are gaming cheats. Everywhere I go, videogame shops, internet, magazines, Facebook, yada yada, there are offers of game cheats to 'help' you get ahead in your favourite game. HELP MY SOZZLED ASS! ITS NOT F**KING 'HELP', ITS DOWNRIGHT LAZINESS AND IF YOU NEED CHEATS TO BEAT A GAME THEN YOU SHOULD GIVE YOURSELF A SLAP AND WALK AWAY FROM IT! *Drinks shot*
Now im not talking about those who genuinely get stuck on a fiendish level after they've attempted to overcome it by not using cheats. Hell we ALL do that and anyone who has played Ghosts n' Goblins will know what I mean.
IM SPEAKING OF THOSE CRETINOUS TYPES WHO IMMEDIATELY AFTER STARTING A GAME, INPUT A CHEAT IN ORDER FOR THEM TO GAIN ALL THE GOODIES THEN SIT BACK WITH A SMUG GRIN ON THEIR HORRIBLE FACES! A POX ON THEM ALL, I HOPE THEY ALL GET AWFUL HANGOVERS EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T DRINK. WHY DO IT? WHAT IS THE POINT OF BOOTING UP A NEW GAME THEN ACHIEVING EVERYTHING VIA CHEAT CODES? ITS NOT CLEVER YOU PUNY MINDED SOULS! HOW CAN YOU FEEL A SENSE OF TRIUMPH IF YOU'VE CHEATED? YOU UTTERLY FALSE BA$TARDS! STICK TO LEGO OR PLAY DOH. *Drinks shot*
Thursday, 26 May 2011
The White Flag to Veg
Okay so I have tried. Today for lunch I prepared a healthy salady meal that included a jacket spud, celery, sweetcorn, tomato and spring onion. I even avoided smothering the lot in salt and coleslaw, which is what I usually do with stuff like this to give it some kind of flavour. And as I sat before my plate trying to summon up enough interest to dig in, I must admit dear reader that it did look awfully nice what with all the yellow, red and green colours before me, promising a tasty treat. I felt a zen~like calm flow over my Jagermeister encrusted soul.
Then the f**king thing broke. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WANTS TO EAT THIS CRAP REGULARLY? BESIDES NOT HAVING ENOUGH SUBSTANCE TO FILL A HAMSTER THIS POXY SALAD STUFF IS F**KING HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH! 'HEALTHY EATING' EL OH F**KING EL AS THE INTERNET SAYS. I NEARLY CHOKED TWICE ON THE SWEETCORN ALONE AND IM CERTAIN THAT STRINGY CELERY CRAP IS GOING TO KNOT IN MY COLON SOON. THE BLOODY PLATE WAS A MINEFIELD I TELL YOU. NEVER AGAIN!
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY THAT BOOOZE AFFORDS, COURAGE TO AVOID SOBRIETY AND WISDOM TO AVOID VEGETABLES. AMEN.
Then the f**king thing broke. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WANTS TO EAT THIS CRAP REGULARLY? BESIDES NOT HAVING ENOUGH SUBSTANCE TO FILL A HAMSTER THIS POXY SALAD STUFF IS F**KING HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH! 'HEALTHY EATING' EL OH F**KING EL AS THE INTERNET SAYS. I NEARLY CHOKED TWICE ON THE SWEETCORN ALONE AND IM CERTAIN THAT STRINGY CELERY CRAP IS GOING TO KNOT IN MY COLON SOON. THE BLOODY PLATE WAS A MINEFIELD I TELL YOU. NEVER AGAIN!
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY THAT BOOOZE AFFORDS, COURAGE TO AVOID SOBRIETY AND WISDOM TO AVOID VEGETABLES. AMEN.
Monday, 23 May 2011
A Shameless Plug
Your dear Ranter has been a critic of supermarket Farmfoods in the past (mainly because they don't sell alcohol), but a man cannot be called a true inebriate if he cannot admit to his wrongs so here I am admitting away. I WAS WRONG! FARMFOODS IS INDEED A FANTASTIC PLACE!I URGE YOU TO SHOP THERE IN DROVES! YOUR REWARDS SHALL INDEED BE MIGHTY!
Why the turned tables? Why is a man such as your beloved Shanter, so devoted in his quest for getting pi$$ed, now backing a supermarket that sells no booze. (I still find that hard to type). In a word its PRICES. They majorly undercut places like Morrisons and Tesco. We're not talking of saving pennies but pounds! A few examples your honour; turkey burgers £1.79 in Mozzies, £1 in Farmfoods. Linda McCartney's vegetarian sausages, Mozzies £1.89, Farmfoods £1. The list could go on. Now this isn't a case of saving a few f**king pence!
IM JUMPING SHIP, F**K IT! BOOZE FROM MOZZIE'S, FROZEN GRUB FROM FARMFOODS. TO HELL WITH FRESH FRUIT.
Why the turned tables? Why is a man such as your beloved Shanter, so devoted in his quest for getting pi$$ed, now backing a supermarket that sells no booze. (I still find that hard to type). In a word its PRICES. They majorly undercut places like Morrisons and Tesco. We're not talking of saving pennies but pounds! A few examples your honour; turkey burgers £1.79 in Mozzies, £1 in Farmfoods. Linda McCartney's vegetarian sausages, Mozzies £1.89, Farmfoods £1. The list could go on. Now this isn't a case of saving a few f**king pence!
IM JUMPING SHIP, F**K IT! BOOZE FROM MOZZIE'S, FROZEN GRUB FROM FARMFOODS. TO HELL WITH FRESH FRUIT.
Monday, 9 May 2011
All Pish and Nonsense !
So game company Kuma have come under fire for releasing a videogame where players can kill Bin Laden? OH GIVE ME A F**KING BREAK!! SO WE CAN GO AROUND MURDERING INNOCENT PEDESTRIANS AND HOOKERS IN GRAND THEFT AUTO, SAINT'S ROW, ETC, ETC BUT BUTTER ME WITH A COCKTAIL STIRRER, WE MUST NOT BE ABLE TO KILL ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST DESPISED MEN?? GET ALLAH OUTTA HERE!
THIS DOUCHE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING A MAJOR HAND IN DESPICABLE ACTS OF TERRORISM, AND SOME PEOPLE ARE UPSET OVER A GAME??! NURSE! ANOTHER DRINK PLEASE!
Halt! Who Goes There?
All bloody events in history have been covered in videogames (well most of them, we haven't had the crucifixion yet but it can't be far off), from World War 2 through to Iraq and nobody has so much raised a Martini fart until now. WHO IS THIS GAME OFFENDING? WHO'S PEANUTS HAD IT CRAPPED IT ON? ID BE WILLING TO BET THAT SENSIBLE PEOPLE OF ALL FAITHS ARE HAPPY THIS GUY IS NO MORE.
People need to lighten up and order more drinks.
THIS DOUCHE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING A MAJOR HAND IN DESPICABLE ACTS OF TERRORISM, AND SOME PEOPLE ARE UPSET OVER A GAME??! NURSE! ANOTHER DRINK PLEASE!
Halt! Who Goes There?
All bloody events in history have been covered in videogames (well most of them, we haven't had the crucifixion yet but it can't be far off), from World War 2 through to Iraq and nobody has so much raised a Martini fart until now. WHO IS THIS GAME OFFENDING? WHO'S PEANUTS HAD IT CRAPPED IT ON? ID BE WILLING TO BET THAT SENSIBLE PEOPLE OF ALL FAITHS ARE HAPPY THIS GUY IS NO MORE.
People need to lighten up and order more drinks.
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