Aisle Swing For You!

Supermarkets. The place where people shop. For beer. Or food. Not really the most comfortable of social settings, so why on earth do some people use it as a place to catch up on family stories, spread the gossip and generally be a pain in the posterior? One could swear there was a sign on the door saying ~ Walk Right In, Relax, Pull Up A Trolley. There is that many people holding a conference among the pizza and kippers that its a wonder the big chains haven't thought to lay on buffets and cocktails.
Get outta my way you nincompoops, busy guy coming through! (Or trying to.) You're holding people up here, so for the love of God ~ GET OUTTA MY WAY! You might not have anything to do but the rest of us have. So puuleeese, save the chit chat for school reunions (where everyone is as bad yourself) and keep clear.
I was looking for bread once and thought a party had broken out among the French sticks. How I overcame the urge to smash someone in the ankles with the trolley wheels I'll never know. The God of Patience must have been looking for chops in the next aisle and some rubbed off on me. (Patience I mean, not the God. Im not in the habit of rubbing up to Gods.)


BANZAAAAIIIII!

That isn't the only thing about supermarkets that get my dander up either. Checkouts manned by the invisible man/woman don't exactly help in lowering my blood pressure. In my local Tesco and Morrison's there must be around 20 checkout tills but I have yet to see them ALL open at once. Usually only half are being manned, the rest stand idle as queues pile up behind the open checkouts. Why is that?
Do these places think I ENJOY standing in line like a lemon behind some sweaty, fat man in a football jersey? Or worse, standing in front of a nosey, old bat who insists on looking at everything you're buying as you place the goods on the conveyor belt. Don't look at my booze with that disapproving glint in your eye! I don't condemn you for having a trolley full of Sanatogen and bran flakes.
OPEN THE DAMNED CHECKOUTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! All of them, this instant! And while you are at it put prices on everything so that I don't have to use the bloody price checker machine every two minutes. What am I? Doing your job for you now?
I swear shopping trips are getting longer by the week. Little wonder the use of alcohol is very, shall we say liberal when I finally get home.

Part Deux Suxx

Film studios these days are clogged full of sequels because that is where the safe money is (and because movie makers are generally a lazy bunch) but it makes for BOOORING cinema let me tell you. Boring. Coma inducing. Bring-a-sleeping-bag-to-the-cinema. Boring.
The more successful ones may bring in shedloads of the green stuff which is fine and dandy for directors, producers and actors but for we the audience its frustrating. And more than that its boring! (Theres that word again.) Yes yes, we enjoyed it the first time around, it was original and fresh and all kinds of lovely. Part two however, rarely offers the same thrills.

Part 7

How many sequels have there been that were any good? Rambo II, The Godfather II and Terminator 2 were certainly excellent, not to mention the second Robocop which ramped the misery and violence up a dozen notches* but by and large sequels are pretty sucky and the more they go on (I think Friday the 13th is on 50th installment) the bigger and fouler the stench. Its simply an excuse for studios to print money and the least they could do is be honest; Shrek 12 ~ The Ogre Wants More Moolah!
I suppose I can lump movie remakes in here too (of course I can, its MY blog.) Remakes are worse than sequels and make no artistic sense whatsoever. The only one that was ever decent was Cape Fear and that was due in no small part to a stellar cast including Robert De Niro, Nick Nolte and Jessica Lange who were perfect in my non film critic eyeballs.
Today the remake is king and everything is being redone, including movies that ought to be untouchable. A few that pi$$ed me off were King Kong, Clash Of The Titans, Nightmare On Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Each of these originals were brilliant pieces of cinema, absolute gems, there was no need to remake them. They were bloody perfect as they were. And this is a real shame because if a classic is left alone and not re-made then it remains a flawless great without blemish, but when directors decide to meddle and make a re-hash (that inevitably STINKS) then wallop! Its ruined and the original great is forever tainted. Its annoying!
So the message to Hollywood (fast becoming HollyBored) is QUIT the lousy sequels and GOD AWFUL re-makes and do something ORIGINAL for a change. Your reward will be greater. Honestly.

*Futuristic films should always have a huge dose of misery because humanity has reached its summit but thats another story.