The Nerve Of Football

Old Goldenballs Beckham has made footie (or 'soccer' as its known over there) more popular than hockey and basketball in the USA, if the papers are to be believed. (And they are usually f**king NOT)! Alas its only when the Americans accept rugby as their favourite sport that they will truly become civilised. Laughs Out Loud.
But where is the RANT you ask? Its coming and it starts with baseball. Naturally.
We scoff at baseball in the UK. In fact we laugh at most American sports but its baseball which gets the brunt of our scorn. We look at it and say, "baseball. That is bollix that is! Why its nothing short of the rounders we played in school! Good old rounders! What!" *Snorts* Then we dissolve into the superiority of cricket.
BUT WHERE THE HOT DIGGITY DIG DID WE GET OUR SILLY BLOODY GIBS FROM? I FIND IT F**KING ASTOUNDING THAT A COUNTRY WHO IS OBSSESSED WITH FOOTBALL CAN FIND IT IN THEMSELVES TO MOCK SPORTS FROM ACROSS THE POND! FOOTBALL IS FILLED TO ITS LEATHER BALLS WITH SPOILT IDIOT PLAYERS. ALCOHOLICS AND WIFE BEATERS, WHO IF IT WASN'T FOR THEIR ABILITY TO PUNT A BALL UP THE PITCH WOULD BE SIGNING ON AT THE DOLE OFFICE!
FOOTBALL. A SPORT WHERE THE WALKING MESS THAT IS PAUL 'GAZZA' GASCOIGNE IS CONSIDERED A 'GREAT'! HAR DI F**KING HA HA! THAT KINDA SAYS IT ALL REALLY! NURSE, A BOURBON AND HOLD THE SOUR. IM SOUR ENOUGH.


The only time the Ranter enjoys football

Talk Rubbish

I used to like Talk Radio before it became the ghastly Talk Sport. It had good presenters and offered up a tidy range of subject where callers would be encouraged to join in on debates. I hardly turned the station off. During work or play, Talk Radio was always on.
Since changing to Talk Sport however (and it really ought to be Talk Football as they hardly cover other sports), it has gone right down the craphole. Radio to make you want to vomit too. A drab, soulless affair, hosted by backslapping, oafish blokes who have about as much class as a skip full of Bacardi Breezers.
The worst pair are on sometime in the afternoon and are as entertaining as mud. So rubbish are they that I forget their names but I wouldn't sour this page and mention them even if I did. They have faces you want to punch too: one looks like a thick horse and the other has the face of weasel crossed with a field mouse.
I had the misfortune to catch a bit of their sh!tty show a couple of days ago due to the radio oddly being unable to pick up my usual stations (Radio Wales and WBAP Texas). During part of their show they were talking about a newspaper columnist who had written that some football player was a waster because of some reason or another. (I wasn't really paying attention as warts are more fun than football). Anyway this pair of prats decided to turn on the writer and say something along the lines of, "this footballer is worth £110,000, he has medals and a journalist calls him a waster! I mean who is the real waster?"
EXCUSE THE F**K ME, BUT WHAT GIVES THESE TWO TUURDS THE RIGHT TO IMPLY SOMEONE IS A WASTER SIMPLY BECAUSE HE WROTE HIS OPINION IN A NEWSPAPER? CRETINS! THE HUMBLE HACK HAS MORE INTERGRITY IN HIS THUMB THAN ANY FOOTBALLER AND I KNOW WHO I WOULD RATHER GET SHANTED UP WITH! UNBELIEVABLE! AND THIS COMING FROM A PAIR WHO THINK THEMSELVES 'COMEDIANS', WHICH IS A JOKE IN ITSELF BECAUSE THEY HAVE ABOUT AS MUCH HUMOUR AS TERMINAL CANCER! AND NOT FORGETTING THEY WORK FOR AN UTTERLY SEXIST RADIO STATION. THE DAILY SPORT OF RADIO! A POX ON THEM BOTH! NURSE! FIRST AID IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND!

Blackberry = FAIL! Prt II

Ive ranted before and I am ranting again and if this blog puts just one person off then my job is complete. TO ANYONE THINKING OF BUYING A BLACKBERRY 'SMARTPHONE' (SMART MY ASS) DESIST! GO BUY SOMETHING ELSE! GET AN iPHONE OR AN ANDROID OR ALIEN OR WHATEVER THE F**K THEY'RE CALLED! BUT STAY CLEAR OF THE CRAPBERRY! SERIOUSLY, IGNORE THIS WARNING AT YOUR PERIL! IT MIGHT LOOK THE CLASSIER PHONE BUT ITS LIKE DODOS; CUTE BUT THEY ARE SH!T AT FLYING. A BLOODY SHAMBLES.
THEIR SERVICE WENT DOWN UP LAST NIGHT AND TODAY THEY ARE ALL SNIVELLING APOLOGIES BUT ITS STILL NOT BACK 100% THE AZZHOLES. I MEAN WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!
I ONCE LOOKED AT THE BLACKBERRY PRODUCT AS SLICK AND COOL, AND WAS EXCITED AT THE PROSPECT OF OWNING ONE. UNTIL I DID OWN ONE, THEN SUDDENLY 'SLICK' AND 'COOL' BECAME LAME AND FRUSTRATING. AN UNRELIABLE, BOLLUX TWISTING, ABYSMAL FAILURE. AND I RUE THE B@STARD DAY! OH HOW I RUE!! I RUE LIKE A MOTHERF**KER!! AND YOU WILL TOO IF YOU ARE SUCKED IN BY THE PHONES STYLISH LOOKS. DO YOURSELVES A HUGE FAVOUR AND GO SPEND YOUR HARD EARNED POUNDS ON A DIFFERENT PHONE. YOU CAN THANK YOUR DEAR RANTER BY ME A FEW DRINKIES WITH SOME OF THE CASH YOU SAVE. MINE'S A GLENFIDDICH. EXTRA LARGE.

Jailbirds Want More Sky

Today its been reported that prisoners are upset because they are only able to recieve one Sky Sports channel in their suites...sorry cells. So miffed are they that the have lodged a formal complaint. The baztards.
WHAT THE F**K HAS THIS COUNTRY COME TO SAY? SPANK MY GIN SOAKED ASS WITH A SOGGY KIPPER! WE HAVE BECOME A NATION OF PANSIES, AFRAID TO DISH OUT SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED PUNISHMENTS! IT MAKES MY BLOODY CIDER GO FLAT I DONT MIND TELLING YOU!
WHY THE HELL SHOULD PRISONERS GET SATELITE TELEVISION? THEY ARE IN THE CLINK FOR DOING WRONG FFS, NOT TO BE MOLLY CODDLED! YOU ARE NOT ON A FRICKEN' CRUISE YOU CRETINS, YOU ARE IN JAIL, J.A.I.L. ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A COMFORTABLE SUITE! AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAAAAP ABOUT 'THEIR PUNISHMENT IS LOSS OF LIBERTY, NOTHING MORE' BECAUSE IVE HAD A BELLY FULL OF IT! F**KING BLEEDING HEART T!TS!


A jail treadmill before the days of luxuries

A LOT OF HARD WORKING FOLK WHO HAVE DONE NO WRONG CAN'T AFFORD SATELITE TV, SO WHY IN THE NAME OF FELINFOEL ALE ARE WE GIVING IT FREE TO THE DREGS OF SOCIETY? PEOPLE WHO ABIDE BY THE LAWS OF THE LAND AND PUT IN AN HONEST DAYS GRAFT ARE GETTING IT WORSE THAN LAWBREAKERS. THIS IS NOT RIGHT AND BRITAIN NEEDS SOMEONE WITH A SPINE TO SORT IT OUT PRONTO! LOOK AT SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO OVER IN ARIZONA FOR EXAMPLE. HE'S JUST WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS. A GOOD KICK UP UP THE CHUFF.
HERE IS A THOUGHT: IF WE GIVE PRISONERS ALL OF THESE COMFORTS TO TAKE THEIR MINDS OF THE SENTENCE THEY ARE SERVING, IT ONLY ALLOWS THEM TO FORGET THEIR CRIMES! AND THERE CAN BE NO REMORSE FROM SOMEBODY WHO HAS HAD IT EASY IN JAIL WATCHING THEIR FAVOURITE FOOTBALL TEAM WHILE IGNORING THE REFLECTING ON THEIR BAD BEHAVIOUR BIT! AND THATS F**KING NONSENSE!
RADIO, NEWSPAPERS AND BOOKS SHOULD BE QUITE ENOUGH FOR THOSE IN JAIL. OBVIOUSLY IF WE TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY AND LET THEM ROT WITHIN FOUR WALLS WE WILL BE RELEASING DANGEROUS LUNATICS ONTO OUR STREETS AND NOBODY WANTS THAT. BUT ALL OF THIS PANDERING TO EVERY WHIM IS RIDICULOUS AND ALL ITS DOING IS TEACHING THEM HOW TO FURTHER TAKE ADVANTAGE. IT ALSO GIVES INMATES THE UPPER HAND. THEY DEMAND, WE KEEP GIVING IN. AND IT MUST BLOODY WELL STOP THIS INSTANT!

Clarkson the Village Idiot

Good now p!ss off

So idiot presenter Jeremy Clarkson has said the Welsh language should be abolished? COMING FROM A MAN WHO LOOKS IKE A TOILET BRUSH AND GETS A HARD ON OVER CARS (WEIRDO) WE REALLY OUGHT TO IGNORE THIS BUFFOONS THOUGHTS. IN FACT IM KICKING MYSELF OVER WRITING THIS BUT YOUR DEAR RANTER MUST HAVE HIS SAY HERE. (THATS WHAT THIS BLOG IS ALL ABOUT AFTERALL).
CLARKSON, YOU ARE A WASTE OF SPACE AND IM DAMNED GLAD IVE NEVER WATCHED ANYTHING YOU HAVE DONE BECAUSE EVEN THE SIGHT OF YOUR CRETINOUS MUG PUTS ME OFF MY MAGNER'S CIDER YOU HOPLESS HUMAN BEING! I HOPE YOU DRIVE OVER A CLIFF, NOW DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND GO FIND AN EXHAUST TO CRAWL INTO. PRAT!

Black Bury

Typical screen

What on earth is all this fuss about over the Blackberry mobile phone? I foolishly bought one of these contraptions last week and its F**KING TERRIBLE!! THE BUTTONS ARE TINY, THE APPLICATIONS NEVER WORK, THE APPICATION STORE HARDLY OPEN AND IT HAS THE WORST TEXTING SYSTEM IVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO USE! THE SCREEN IN THE ABOVE PICTURE IS ONE I TOOK EARLIER AND ITS ON THE SCREEN SO MUCH IT MIGHT AS WELL BE A BLOODY SCREENSAVER! I MEAN WHAT THE F**K?
AND TO ADD TO THE FRUSTRATION THE APPS I HAVE MANAGED TO DOWNLOAD, DO NOT FLIPPING WORK. EVER. POXY THING. I WAS BETTER OF STICKING WITH MY OLD PHONE, AT LEAST THAT DIDN'T PRETEND TO BE CLEVER.
LET ME GET ONE THING STRAIGHT HERE. I HAVE OWNED A MOBILE PHONE SINCE 1995 WHEN THEY WERE THE SIZE OF BREEZE BLOCKS AND ONLY ONE OTHER PHONE WAS AS RUBBISH AS THIS ONE. BUT EVEN THAT DID AS IT WAS TOLD BECAUSE IT WAS THE DESIGN WHICH WAS AT FAULT THERE. SO IM NOT A CELL PHONE 'NEWBIE', IM QUITE USED TO USING THEM BUT I DO NOT ENJOY USING THIS BLOODY BLACKBERRY! THOSE WHO THINK THEM GREAT HAVE FOOLED THEMSELVES AND ONLY BELIEVE THEM COOL BECAUSE THEY'VE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON GETTING ONE.
THE ONE PLUS POINT ABOUT IT NOT WORKING AS IT SHOULD IS IT DOESN'T HAVE THE WORD 'BLACKBERRY' AFTER EVERY POST I MAKE ON FACEBOOK LIKE MY FRIENDS HAVE, SO IM NOT ADVERTISING THE DAMNED THING. SMARTPHONE MY ASS! A VERY POOR SHOW.

Phone A Friend

Ok im going to get called 'Oldist' or some such sh!t here but not being one to ever hide from the storms I will trudge on regardless. Yesterday your dear Ranter treated himself to a new mobile phone. One of those Blackberry buggers that everyone keeps rattling on about. Well I figured ive got to at least try to keep up with the bells and whistles that society seems intent on flooding itself with. It used to be that all a man needed to be social was a few extra glasses and bottles but those times are dead in the ferns it would seem.
But this is not my rant, no my ranters radar yesterday was peaked by two things: pensioners and the aforementioned Blackberry. (And if that doesn't sound like the title to some great poetry I don't know what does!)
Now I don't care how old you are when youre getting all moble in the comms department but the old dear in front of me in the queue yesterday TOOK A REALLY LONG F**KNG TME MAN! SHE OBVIOUSLY HAD NO DEA WHAT SHE WAS DOING OR BUYING, AND HER HUSBAND STOOD NEXT TO HER LIKE A HATSTAND HOLDNG THE BLOODY SHOPPING. ACTUALLY stops mid~rant for the first time ever COME TO THINK OF IT *takes shot* IT WASN'T THE OLD TIMERS FAULT AT ALL, ITS THE FRIGGIN' SHOPS! IF YOU CAN SEE A CUSTOMER IS GOING TO NEED THINGS EXPLAINED, THEN PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS A RINGTONE, TAKE THEM TO ONE OF THOSE DESK PODS YOU HAVE AND LET ANOTHER SALESPERSON TAKE CARE OF WE WHO ARE THERE FOR TOP UPS AND NEW PHONES! COME ON NOW, PLAY THE GAME!


Its ok ive got all day...

Also, these new phones like Blackberries and the like. Why all the palava in getting them hooked up to the webby? ALL OF MY OLD MOBILE PHONES WERE SIMPLE, POP IN SIM CARD, REGISTER, THEN HEAD ON OFF TO THE WORLD WIBE WEB. IT WAS A BREEZE. CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE, NO THESE DAYS YOU HAVE TO RING SOME CUCKOO IN CALCUTTA OR OUTER MONGOLIA BEFORE YOU CAN GET STARTED AND THEN YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR ALL THE DOWNLOADS AND UPLOADS AND WHATEVERLOADS. CAPTAIN MORGAN GIVE ME STRENGTH! I THOUGHT THESE NEW THINGS WERE MADE TO BE QUICKER? WITH THE AMOUNT OF UPGRADES AND DOWNLOADS I HAD TO CHECK LAST NIGHT, I FELT LIKE I WAS DROWNING IN DIGTAL QUICKSAND.
And they say these modern toys with their cool applications are here to help make things a little easier? More conveniant? As your dear Ranter pours another stiff drink in order to numb the dying pricks of yesterdays frustration, im not entirely convinced. Cheers!

Closed

Mightily Peeved

Does your Ranter look happy in the photograph above? Do you see bluebirds flying around my head and lambs frolicking around my legs? (Okay you can't see my legs but trust me theres no lambs). No, this is my cheesed off look. The sort of look I have when a RANT is brewing.
The reason? Shops and their sunday f**king hours. Yesterday it was a beautful summers day, and being a sunday I decided to hit the shops for some retail therapy as the ladies call it. I needed therapy alright!
WHY THE F**K DON'T SHOPS OPEN BEFORE 11am??! BOTH HMV AND BLOCKBUSTER WERE SHUT UNTIL 11am WHICH LEFT ME FUMBLING AT THEIR DOORS AT 10:30 LIKE A PR!CK WITHOUT A CLUE!
WHY OPEN SO BLOODY LATE? I THOUGHT NOW WE'D RELAXED THE DRINKING HOURS, THE SHOPS WOULD FOLLOW SUIT BUT NO SIREE! IN THIS DAY AND AGE WHERE EVERYTHING ELSE IS TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY, IT SEEMS ALMOST MEDIEVAL THAT A STORE WOULD REMAIN CLOSED UNTIL AFTER 11am. IS EVERYONE IN CHURCH OR SOMETHING? WAKE UP!!

My Ears Shrivelled and Died like a Wasted Mongrel

Damned radio Carmarthenshire and crappy chart music. Id never heard of Cher Lloyd until earlier when they played her 'song'. NEIN! NEIN! MY POOR EARS! ITS JUST 'OH MY DARLING, CLEMENTINE' SUNG BY A TOOL WITH AN ANNOYING VOICE! I DREAD TO THINK WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE. ANYTHING LIKE THE AMERICAN CHER? F**K THAT ALMOST SOBERED ME UP. IS THIS WHAT PASSES AS 'MUSIC' THESE DAYS? IM GLAD I ONLY LISTEN TO LOCAL RADIO WHEN IM IN THE RANTERMOBILE. DUW DUW WHAT A LOAD OF BULL TESTICLES.


And earache for all

AND MOST YOUNG 'UNS HAVE NEITHER THE WIT OR WISDOM TO LISTEN TO THE OLD CLASSIC STUFF, SO THEY DON'T REALISE THEY'RE NOT HEARING ANYTHING ORIGINAL, AND ARE SHAKING THEIR SCRAWNY ASSES TO COPY AND PASTE MUSIC. AH WELL THEIR LOSS THE DIZZY MOPES. NURSE! PINT OF ZINFANDEL IF YOU PLEASE.

Interwebz Shyesters

Do you wanna know what really frosts my peanuts? TOSSERS ON EVILBAY WHO PUT AN ITEM UP FOR AUCTION AND INCLUDE A BUY-IT-NOW OPTION, BUT IF THE ITEM GETS WON FOR LESS THAN THEY EXPECTED THEY WITHDRAW THE F**KING SALE!! THE UTTER BASTAGES! ITS NOT HAPPENED TO ME BUT A FEW OF MY RETRO COLLECTING MATES HAVE EXPERIENCED IT AND I FEEL THEIR PAIN.
IF I WERE TO SELL MY JAGERMEISTER INFLATABLE BOTTLE WITH A BUY-IT-NOW PRICE OF £20 BUT ALSO PUT IT AT AUCTION STARTING AT £1, THATS A GAMBLE I TAKE AND SHOULD ANYONE BE LUCKY ENOUGH TO WIN THE BOTTLE FOR A POUND THEN GOOD FOR THEM! I WOULD LET THEM HAVE IT FOR THAT PRICE. I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T THROW ALL MY SHOTS OFF THE BAR IN A POUT AND WITHDRAW THE SALE LIKE A F**KING PONCE!
W@NKERS LIKE THIS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED ON eBAY. A POX ON THEM ALL!

N.B. The Jagermeister bottle isn't for sale as its bloody tidy.

Shandy 'Shandifang' Gandhi

First of all 'Shandifang' (pronounced shandyVang) is Welsh slang for a mess. Or at least it was in my hometown. Now onto the meat.
Tomorrow a man in the great state of Texas will (hopefully) be put to death for killing two people and attempting to kill a third. So not a nice guy then, certainly not someone who would be allowed to share a drink at my table. But this blog article isn't about him, he has made his gurney and now will die on it. Good riddance to him!
But as usual the Anti death penalty pests have come out in force, chanting of injustices. Tell it to the folk he made dead.
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." They yell from the comments section of online news stories reporting the approaching execution. HOLY MOTHER OF ZINFANDEL! I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP QUOTING GUFF FROM GANDHI! ITS NOT IMPRESSIVE AND NOR WAS GANDHI AN IMPRESSIVE MAN (UNLESS YOU LIKE WIFE BEATERS). AN EYE FOR AN EYE MAY MAKE THE WORLD BLIND BUT SHOWING MURDERERS LENIENCY MAKES THE WORLD BLIND, DEAF AND DUMB!! IT TELLS KILLERS AND RAPISTS TO CARRY ON WITH THEIR CRUEL WAYS, WE WILL FORGIVE THEM. SHOOT ANYONE YOU LIKE, WE UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN.
F**K ME, PASS ME A SCOTCH. WHEN WILL SOME PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES WE THE PEOPLE NEED TO GET DOWN AND DIRTY WITH THE BANDITS IN ORDER TO PUNISH THEM. YES EXECUTION IS A DIRTY BUISNESS, DOLING OUT DEATH ALWAYS IS BUT ITS THE ONLY LANGUAGE THESE EVIL CRETINS KNOW.


Gandhi Sulks Yesterday

IF I WASN'T ALREADY A DEDICATED DRINKER, THESE SLIMEBALLS WOULD HAVE TURNED ME ONTO THE HABIT BY NOW. ITS ALL VERY WELL BEING FORGIVING BUT DO WE REALLY NEED TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK WHEN IT COMES TO MURDER? FOR F**KS SAKE ITS MURDER! M.U.R.D.E.R. NOT STEALING A TIN OF SOUP! AND THIS RACIST THUG IS WHERE HE BELONGS ON DEATH ROW, AND WHEREVER HE ENDS UP IN THE AFTERLIFE TOMORROW. F**K HIM AND F**K GANDHI.

Beg Away, See If I Care

A couple in Scotland recently won £161m on the Euro Millions lottery. And the Ranter is pleased for them and hope they build an indoor swimming pool and fill it with Jagermeister, which is what I would do the instant the cabbage was in my bank account. (No point having an outdoor pool in this poxy, rain drenched country).
This a wonderful thing that has happened but are people happy for them? ARE THEY F**K!? ALL IVE COME ACROSS ON THE INTERWEBZ ARE FOLK SIMMERING IN ENVY AND SPITTING SPITEFUL COMMENTS AT THE COUPLE AND ITS B@STARD PATHETIC! ITS NO WONDER JESUS HASN'T BOTHERED POPPING BACK FOR AN EARTHLY VISIT. I WOULDN'T WANT TO COME BACK TO SUCH A SICK F**KING PLACE EITHER!! 'IF I DON'T WIN, NOBODY ELSE CAN' SEEMS TO BE THE MANTRA OF MANY. GROW UP YOU RETARDED CRETINS!
AND WHATS WITH ALL THE BEGGING LETTERS? I SUPPOSE IN THIS WORLD OF INSTANT FIXES, A THING LIKE DIGNITY IS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR HUH? IF THIS COUPLE EVER STUMBLES ACROSS THIS BLOG ON THE WAY TO SOMETHING LESS RANTY, SAY THIS TO THE SCROUNGERS ~ "WE ARE NOW MULTI MILLIONAIRES AND COULDN'T GIVE A RATS ROTTEN FART WHAT MISERY HAS BEFALLEN YOU. GO SCREW YOUR BEGGING ASS!"
Spite and jealousy. May you bring your followers nothing but grief.

Tell It To Me

Be Gentle

I Hate Cardboard!

A Pain in the Cardboard Ass

When the humble compact disc first emerged sometime in 1988, they always had (or mine did)solid plastic cases which protected the disc, held the artwork/sleeve stuff in place and more importantly fitted perfectly into the spaces in cd shelves. You know the type I mean, specially made cd racks. Life was good.
SO WHAT IN THE NAME OF LEMMY KILMISTER IS UP WITH THESE CARDBOARD CD COVERS WE GET WITH SOME ALBUMS THESE DAYS? THEY ARE F**KING TERRIBLE!! THEY CREASE, THEY BEND, THEY TEAR AND THEY DONT B@STARD FIT IN THE BLOODY CD RACKS!!
ONE OF THE GREATEST BANDS IN THE WORLD, AC/DC, ARE ONE OF THE MAIN CULPRITS. WHENEVER I SEE ONE OF THEIR ALBUMS ITS IN ONE OF THESE FLIMSY PAPERY CASES. SORT IT OUT EH GUYS? EVEN THE MIGHTY RAMMSTEIN HAVE BEEN AT IT LATELY. GEBEN SIE MIR STARKE! SUCH POWERFUL MUSIC NEEDS MORE THAN CARD TO SHEATHE IT.
IS IT THE BANDS FAULT? I THINK NOT. I BET ITS THE IDEA OF THE MUSIC COMPANY TO MAKE PACKAGING CHEAPER. OR MAKE IT MORE 'ECO FRIENDLY'. BOLLOX SEZ I! PASS THE RUM.

Holy Strawberries

Everyone and their shot glass knows that Wimbledon is happening right now in erm...Wimbledon and great! I love me a little tennis, especially when the rather lovely Serena Williams is playing so that I can ogle her fine pair of legs. (Too bad she went out earlier). Also the event is a good excuse to pour a few Pimm's and lay about on the chez lounge like Cliff Richard's boozier twin.
Just one thing; WHY IN THE NAME OF BJORN BORG'S ODOUR EATERS HAVE THE BBC GOT TIM 'NEVER WON A CABBAGE' HENMAN COMMENTATING ON MATCHES? HE HASN'T WON ANYTHING IMPORTANT AND REPEATEDLY FAILED AT WIMBLEDON. 'HENMAN HILL' MY DRUNKEN ASS! HE CAN SPOUT ALL THE TECHNICAL ADVICE ON THE SPORT IN A BBC STUDIO ALL HE WANTS, HE DIDN'T PUT ANY OF IT TO USE WHEN HE PLAYED.
AND HAS THERE EVER BEEN A MORE BORING ATHLETE? LITTLE TIMMY WOULD MAKE STEVE DAVIS LOOK LIKE IGGY POP! HE LOOKS SO SOBER, AND NOW I NEED A SHOT.

Mwynhauwch!

Blank faces when you read (or tried to read) that title eh? Like discovering you left the cap off last nights cider and must face over 2 litres of flat apple juice. 'Mwynhauwch' is Welsh dears, Welsh for 'enjoy'. And as its shaping up to be one of the hottest days of the year, with glorious sunshine even at 7am, your dear Ranter suggests you do just that!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYONE MOANING THAT ITS TOO HOT AND COMPLAINING IF THE DRINKS ARE WARM! I know we Brits think we have a God given right to whine about the weather but its getting quite tiresome if truth be told.

Chilled!

Yes, the fair Ranter exists to RANT and SHANT but not about the sunshine! ARE WE MAD? WE ONLY EVER SEE THE FRIGGEN' THING FOR A TOTAL OF 3 WEEKS A YEAR, WE OUGHT TO BE EMBRACING THESE STICKY DAYS AND BALMY NIGHTS LIKE THEY WERE THE ONLY PINA COLADAS LEFT IN THE FRIDGE. THE REST OF THE TIME WE'RE ALL WRAPPED UP IN DUFFLE COATS LIKE A HERD OF TROUT ON OUR WAY TO A DRAUGHTY CHAPEL.
REJOICE! HALLELUJAH! A BLAZING SUN MEANS MORE FOLK ARE INCLINED TO PARTAKE OF ALCOHOL, NOT TO MENTION THE FAIRER SEX LIKE TO DRESS UP IN SHORT SKIRTS AND CLEAVAGE REVEALING TOPS. (Actually that should be 'dressing down').
SO GET THEE OUTSIDE AND SIZZLE LIKE BACON AND GUZZLE AND OGLE UNTIL YOUR HEARTS (AND EYES) BE FILLED!!

Adverts Begone !

Straight off the bat here; I HATE ADVERTS POPPING UP UNEXPECTABLY ON THE INTERWEBZ, ITS ANNOYING AS WARM BEER AND ANY COMPANY WHO THINKS THEY'LL GET A SALE FROM THE RANTER BUYING THEIR CRAPPY PRODUCTS CAN FORGET IT! THIS GOES FOR SH!TTY TELEVISION ADVERTS TOO. 'GO COMPARE' GUY, GO COMPARE YOUR ASS. THOSE 118 118 DINGBATS, GO F**K YOURSELVES!
PICTURE SHARING SITES ARE THE WORST IN MY EXPERIENCE. TRY UPLOADING A FEW SNAPS AND BANG! AN ADVERT FLOGGING INSURANCE OR SOMETHING POPS UP. BASTARDOS. YOU WON'T GET A PENNY OUT OF ME.

And The Point Is?

Apologies my pickled brethren for my unusual silence these past few weeks. You see your dear Ranter has been moving house and was interwebz free, thus I was unable to spew my bitter bile on things that pisseth me off. (And id just like this opportunity to tell you that those people who like to move house every few years or so are insane, insane I tell you!!)
Anyway, cheats. What are they about then? Eh? The type who really boil my lager and have me running for the fridge are gaming cheats. Everywhere I go, videogame shops, internet, magazines, Facebook, yada yada, there are offers of game cheats to 'help' you get ahead in your favourite game. HELP MY SOZZLED ASS! ITS NOT F**KING 'HELP', ITS DOWNRIGHT LAZINESS AND IF YOU NEED CHEATS TO BEAT A GAME THEN YOU SHOULD GIVE YOURSELF A SLAP AND WALK AWAY FROM IT! *Drinks shot*
Now im not talking about those who genuinely get stuck on a fiendish level after they've attempted to overcome it by not using cheats. Hell we ALL do that and anyone who has played Ghosts n' Goblins will know what I mean.
IM SPEAKING OF THOSE CRETINOUS TYPES WHO IMMEDIATELY AFTER STARTING A GAME, INPUT A CHEAT IN ORDER FOR THEM TO GAIN ALL THE GOODIES THEN SIT BACK WITH A SMUG GRIN ON THEIR HORRIBLE FACES! A POX ON THEM ALL, I HOPE THEY ALL GET AWFUL HANGOVERS EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T DRINK. WHY DO IT? WHAT IS THE POINT OF BOOTING UP A NEW GAME THEN ACHIEVING EVERYTHING VIA CHEAT CODES? ITS NOT CLEVER YOU PUNY MINDED SOULS! HOW CAN YOU FEEL A SENSE OF TRIUMPH IF YOU'VE CHEATED? YOU UTTERLY FALSE BA$TARDS! STICK TO LEGO OR PLAY DOH. *Drinks shot*

The White Flag to Veg

Okay so I have tried. Today for lunch I prepared a healthy salady meal that included a jacket spud, celery, sweetcorn, tomato and spring onion. I even avoided smothering the lot in salt and coleslaw, which is what I usually do with stuff like this to give it some kind of flavour. And as I sat before my plate trying to summon up enough interest to dig in, I must admit dear reader that it did look awfully nice what with all the yellow, red and green colours before me, promising a tasty treat. I felt a zen~like calm flow over my Jagermeister encrusted soul.
Then the f**king thing broke. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WANTS TO EAT THIS CRAP REGULARLY? BESIDES NOT HAVING ENOUGH SUBSTANCE TO FILL A HAMSTER THIS POXY SALAD STUFF IS F**KING HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH! 'HEALTHY EATING' EL OH F**KING EL AS THE INTERNET SAYS. I NEARLY CHOKED TWICE ON THE SWEETCORN ALONE AND IM CERTAIN THAT STRINGY CELERY CRAP IS GOING TO KNOT IN MY COLON SOON. THE BLOODY PLATE WAS A MINEFIELD I TELL YOU. NEVER AGAIN!
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY THAT BOOOZE AFFORDS, COURAGE TO AVOID SOBRIETY AND WISDOM TO AVOID VEGETABLES. AMEN.

A Shameless Plug

Your dear Ranter has been a critic of supermarket Farmfoods in the past (mainly because they don't sell alcohol), but a man cannot be called a true inebriate if he cannot admit to his wrongs so here I am admitting away. I WAS WRONG! FARMFOODS IS INDEED A FANTASTIC PLACE!I URGE YOU TO SHOP THERE IN DROVES! YOUR REWARDS SHALL INDEED BE MIGHTY!
Why the turned tables? Why is a man such as your beloved Shanter, so devoted in his quest for getting pi$$ed, now backing a supermarket that sells no booze. (I still find that hard to type). In a word its PRICES. They majorly undercut places like Morrisons and Tesco. We're not talking of saving pennies but pounds! A few examples your honour; turkey burgers £1.79 in Mozzies, £1 in Farmfoods. Linda McCartney's vegetarian sausages, Mozzies £1.89, Farmfoods £1. The list could go on. Now this isn't a case of saving a few f**king pence!
IM JUMPING SHIP, F**K IT! BOOZE FROM MOZZIE'S, FROZEN GRUB FROM FARMFOODS. TO HELL WITH FRESH FRUIT.

All Pish and Nonsense !

So game company Kuma have come under fire for releasing a videogame where players can kill Bin Laden? OH GIVE ME A F**KING BREAK!! SO WE CAN GO AROUND MURDERING INNOCENT PEDESTRIANS AND HOOKERS IN GRAND THEFT AUTO, SAINT'S ROW, ETC, ETC BUT BUTTER ME WITH A COCKTAIL STIRRER, WE MUST NOT BE ABLE TO KILL ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST DESPISED MEN?? GET ALLAH OUTTA HERE!
THIS DOUCHE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING A MAJOR HAND IN DESPICABLE ACTS OF TERRORISM, AND SOME PEOPLE ARE UPSET OVER A GAME??! NURSE! ANOTHER DRINK PLEASE!


Halt! Who Goes There?

All bloody events in history have been covered in videogames (well most of them, we haven't had the crucifixion yet but it can't be far off), from World War 2 through to Iraq and nobody has so much raised a Martini fart until now. WHO IS THIS GAME OFFENDING? WHO'S PEANUTS HAD IT CRAPPED IT ON? ID BE WILLING TO BET THAT SENSIBLE PEOPLE OF ALL FAITHS ARE HAPPY THIS GUY IS NO MORE.
People need to lighten up and order more drinks.

Live Fast, Die Faster

An article in The Telegraph today boasts that a new jab administered after suffering a heart attack could be a major breakthrough in cutting deaths. Fine, the Ranter has no issue with that. Hell I'll probably need the injection myself one day. It was a comment by a reader underneath the story which caused my sparkly cider to go flat.
It went thus ~ "one way to prevent a heart attack is not to have one in the first place by living sensibly and taking exercise." You can just imagine what he/she is like on a night out. LISTEN UP DRINKERS, THERE IS NO FUN TO BE HAD IN LIVING SENSIBLY !!!!!!! LIVE FAST DIE FASTER, THIS IS MY CREED.


If I Were A Motorbike Id look Like This

I mean seriously, where in Captain Morgan's name do these poodle get off in preaching to everyone, ALL THE F**KING TIME? GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!! These people give me more grief than any four day bender could on both body and soul. Preachy motherf**kers.
See the photo above? THATS ME IF I WERE A TRANSFORMER ROBOT AND COULD TURN MYSELF INTO A VEHICLE. WHAT WOULD THESE WET WEEKENDS CHANGE INTO? PROBABLY A SEWING MACHINE.
I know what calamities lay in store for myself if I keep living as I do but do you know what? IM STILL GONNA DO IT BECAUSE IM WILLING TO PAY THAT PRICE!! Doctors and these poncey 'health gurus' might be able to frighten others into living like monks BUT THE SH!T WON'T WASH WITH ME. I love life, but only on my terms and if that reduces the years FINE. Cheers !!

More Political Corr~Wetness Tripe

I just heard something on the radio that almost SOBERED ME UP! Easter eggs in some places can no longer be called 'Easter Eggs', instead they are to be called 'Spring Spheres.' SPRING F**KING SPHERES!?! WHAT IN THE HOLY NAME OF JOHNNIE WALKER RED HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE SUCH NONSENSE?? THE PEOPLE WHO COME UP WITH THIS PISH ARE ABSOLUTELY MENTAL, THEY MUST BE. MENTAL WITH WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS.
What is so offensive about Easter eggs? Let me guess, offensive to other religions? Am I close? Or has anyone got a problem with eggs now? (This wouldn't suprise me). WHERE WILL IT END? ITS SHEER INSANITY. AND OF COURSE THE PROBLEM WITH INSANITY IS THE ONES WHO SUFFER FROM IT CANNOT SEE THEY ARE MENTAL. (That term is probably offensive now but the RANTER doesn't care).


Evil: An Easter Egg yesterday

Can't these woollybacks SEE where this is going to end? Don't they see the harm its doing? They ought to drink more alcohol because I can see it PRETTY F**KING CLEARLY! Far from bringing folks together, all of this twaddle will PUSH US APART. IT CAUSEES NOT HARMONY BUT CONTMEPT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! THE MORE YOU FORCE PEOPLE TO ACCEPT OTHER BELIEFS AND IDEAS, THE MORE YOU ANTAGONISE UNTIL THE FEELINGS YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO NURTURE BREAK AWAY COMPETELY.
By God, we must have fallen on foul, sober times if it comes to this. Can't humanity respect others without the need for these sissies making up crap? EVIDENTLY WE CAN'T. WHAT A F**KING SHAMBLES. BARMAN!

They Breathe Smoke Not Fire

There are annoying apes on this planet. Crusty little tree huggers on a self appointed mission to save Mankind from itself before we nuke it out of existence. Well let me tell you this, I would prefer to be nuked to kingdom come than live in their fairytale, sing song f**king place!
Ban hunting. Stop badger culls. Hugging criminals. Save the moose. Stop people eating what they like just because its different. Turn veggie. Drink less. THE F**KING NONSENSE (AND IT IS NONSENSE) NEVER ENDS!! AND IM BLOODY SICK OF IT! FOR A GROUP WHO CLAIM TO WANT A PEACEFUL WORLD THEY WOULD MAKE PRETTY GOOD TYRANTS. HORRIBLE C***S.


Tin Pot Tyrant? The finger is pointing to YOU

A guy can't drink whisky at 11am and snack on a collie sandwich without one of these nutters (and they are nutters) poking their pug noses in and tutting in foul disapproval. WELL F**K YOU AND THE POODLE YOU RODE IN ON! NOBODY IS LISTENING!
Whats worse is they believe they are better people for thinking this twoddle which proves how bonkers they really are. Makes me want to spit Jagerbombs! Ive heard some vegetarians say they would happily kill meat eaters. KILLING PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY EAT MEAT?! YOU NEED HELP PEOPLE! PRONTO! Plebs like this out to be rounded up and shipped off to an island so they could masturbate themselves into obliteration and really make the planet a better place.
Another thing. WHO GAVE THEM THE RIGHT TO TRY AND STOP WHAT WE DO IN OUR LIVES? WHAT IF I SAID THAT IM AGAINST ALL SPORT SAVE GOLF AND RUGBY SO ALL THE REST SHOULD BE BANNED? (Like some idiots want done to boxing and horse racing). OR IF I WANT ALL MUSIC SAVE HEAVY METAL BANNED? WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO? CRY? MOST PROBABLY.
But you needn't worry. Im not that spiteful like those Bastards.

Happy St Patrick's Day

HAPPY St PATRICK'S DAY TO ONE AND TO ALL, AND MAY THE LUCK OF THE IRISH BE WITH YOU ALWAYS!! AND FOR ONCE THERE IS NO RANT.
Ireland is a fantastic place and they dearly love a tipple or six as much as the Ranter does. I have been there many, many times and never had a bad trip. The people are as friendly as they are reknowned for and as I always say, "If You Can't Make Me Welsh, Then Make Me Irish!"
I also find it slightly amusing that in the good ol' US of A, a lot of Americans claim to be 100% Irish on the 17th March. Funny because for the other 364 days they are 100% American. And please no history lessons, im aware of the fact that thousands of Irish (and Welsh) shipped themselves over to the United States, im only having some friendy fun here. Who WOULDN'T want to be Irish or Welsh?
SO NOW EAT A HEARTY BREAKFAST AND PREPARE THY LIVER, THERE BE SERIOUS DRINKING TO BE DONE! HAPPY St PADDY'S DAY!! SLAINTE!

Welsh, Lets Have It!

WHY THE F**K DO LOCAL RADIO STATIONS LIKE CARMARTHENSHIRE RADIO EMPLOY IDIOTS WHO CANNOT PRONOUNCE WELSH PLACE NAMES? LISTENING TO IT EARLIER I WAS GRIMACING AS SOME STUPID WOMAN ADVERTISING A LOCAL RESTRAUNT SCREWED UP THE NAME! GET A WELSH PERSON OR SPEAKER TO DO IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN IN SOMEWHERE LIKE GREECE OR ITALY.
Also while im at it why do all the people who feature in the adverts have bloody english sounding accents? WE ARE IN WALES! CYMRU! THE LAND OF OUR FATHERS! GET A CYMRO TO DO IT. ENGLISH IS PAINFUL TO MY EARS.

I Found Wally!

So some guy who calls himself 50 Cent (CRAP NAME BY THE WAY) has been mocking Japan's earthquake victims on Twitter. What a man eh? What a great guy! WHAT A F**KING PRIZE CHUMP!! SERIOUSLY THIS WALLY NEEDS TO BE TAKEN OUT TO THE COURTYARD AND FLOGGED SAUDI STYLE. PATHETIC ODIOUS WORM THAT HE IS!
Im not going to repeat what he said but he later wrote: "Some of my tweets are for shock value. Hate it or love it. I'm cool."
COOL?! EXCUSE ME, DID WE JUST HAVE RETARD LASAGNE FOR DINNER? YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNISE COOL IF IT WALKED UP TO YOUR UGLY ASS AND SAID, 'HI IM MR COOL.' BUT MR COOL WOULDN'T INTRODUCE HIMSELF TO YOU BECAUSE YOU...ARE NOT.

Clap hands fool

Hundreds of people have DIED you toad! And countless others have had their lives RUINED in this disaster. But you don't give a sh!t do you Mr Cent? You live in some vile ivory palace trying to pass yourself off as some kind of 'king' with nasty assed jewelery, making puke inducing sounds. (I won't call it music or creating as you do neither you clown.)
And what is sadder is some of your fans (they must be deaf) will support you by saying garbage like, 'he's only being controversial, he's a rapper, thats what they do.'
NO! WHAT THIS TURD IS IS A MORON OF THE HIGHEST ORDER. IVE GOT A PRETTY DARK SENSE OF HUMOUR BUT EVEN I WOULDN'T GO HERE. I DON'T CARE A FIG ABOUT 'SHOCK VALUE' OR ANYTHING ELSE THIS FOOL SPOUTS. THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO CAUSE SHOCK AND OUTRAGE. THIS WAS A CHEAP SHOT, NOT CLEVER AT ALL.
Now seeing as I hadn't taken any interest in this monkey I did some research on Mr Cent. It seems you are all about the money. You think money elevates your status in some warped way. Well good, hope you are happy with it because you will NEVER HAVE THE TRULY GREAT THINGS LIKE HONOUR, DIGNITY, HONESTY AND DECENCY. NOW CRAWL BACK INTO YOU BLINGED UP HOLE AND DIE.
Oh and rap music F**KING SUCKS.

P.S. Nate Dogg has died today who I believe was a friend of the Cent. WHO IS LAUGHING NOW FUN BOY?

UF Yaaaawn !!

It seems NASA has found 'evidence' of alien life. Excuse me while I attempt to summon up enough excitement to get through this rant. *Takes Swig of Jag* Does anyone really f**king care anymore? I mean REALLY REALLY CARE like its the last bottle in the chiller?
I'll be honest, I couldn't care less because as my new website 'A Bomb In Nations' proves, there are more interesting things here on earth and under our feet than in bluddi space. I find space as dull as dishwater.


Welcome To The Sky

I couldn't give a squirrel's nutty fart if NASA discovered an entire planet teeming with life. (Unless they somehow have better booze than Jagermeister.) We haven't even got anywhere close to discovering what the oceans have to offer, never mind f**king Pluto or Jupiter. 'Ooh look! That planet has pretty rings spinning around it!' OH GO BOIL YOUR HEAD YOU NINNIES! Gee wilikins.
You hear of morons...sorry people, spending entire nights looking up at the sky with a telescope in the hope of seeing something, ANYTHING out of the ordinary. GO GET LAID OR DRUNK YOU HIPPIES! THERE IS F**K ALL OUT THERE.
And even if there is, WTF are we going to do about it? Probably bomb them to kingdom come, thats what.
Actually, I take some of that back. I DON'T think we are alone in this universe but in the same breath I also believe that whatever is joyriding through the Milky Way they have no interest in us because if they DO then it means they are as bored as we are.
NOW PLEASE, PUT DOWN THAT SCOPE AND CRACK OPEN A BEER OR TWELVE AND COME SIT WITH ME AND LET US SPEAK OF BUNYIPS AND PIG WOMEN.

Keep Yer Snout OUT !!

I read somewhere (can't remember where exactly because the interwebz is just too frikken' BIG) that a woman somewhere has spent £32,000 on her daughters 16th birthday party and the poor lady has received a lot of abuse from others telling her its too much for a teenage party and that she ought to have given some to charity!?! HOLY F**KITY F**K F**K F**KITY! JEALOUS MUCH?
Quick newsflash folks ~ ITS HER DOSH, LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE! Maybe she already DOES give to charity. Some people are so envious and spiteful its unbelievable.


Its not attractive

Your beloved Ranter has recently become a father and Id like to see anyone try commentating on what I buy my child. 'Ooh you can't get her a Cartier watch, thats much too expensive!' 'I THINK YOU'LL FIND I BLOODY WELL CAN! NOW GET THE F**K OUTTA MY DRUNKEN FACE!
This is one of the negative sides to the webby. There are endless ways for complete strangers to spout about how they think they can live YOUR life for you. B@STARDS. IGNORE THEM.

Jane Loves It

Seductress Austen

Faking It....

Fake tattoos. What the f**k are they all about? Well actually its not the tattoos I have an issue with, its the tossers who wear them, poncing around trying to look 'cool' or 'hard'. W@ankers! How do I say this? GROW THE F**K YOU DIMWIT! YOU DONT LOOK EITHER COOL NOR HARD, IN FACT YOU LOOK THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE YOU POSEUR BAG OF SHYTE!
Now before I get hate mail (I love those by the way) I use fake tattoos but the difference is I ALREADY HAVE 19 REAL ONES INKED ON MY DRUNKEN FLESH and the reason I use them is to plan where my next REAL TATTOO will go. I simply slap on a kiddies tattoo to decide if I like the spot I have in mind for the tattoo proper.
And speaking of kiddies I have no problem with them having them, ITS THOSE VAIN IMBECILES WHO GO OUT CLUBBING WITH THEM THAT I HAVE THE UTTER SH!T WITH. I mean seriously GET. A. LIFE. you man~fairy!

I Offer Thee My Service....

The Ranter cannot take hearing of any more RUBBISH names for bands. Day after day of advertising local gigs through another alter ego elsewhere on the web have finally snapped me like a cocktail stick left in rum too long. I find it hard to believe that many successful bands have God awful names because I am of the opinion that the bands name is paramount to contributing to its success.
Still, if musicians heed this blog the sh!tty names could be a thing of the past. (But dont hold your breath.) You see dear inebriate, besides from RANTING and SHANTING (shanting by the way is West Wales slang for drinking) I am also a poet, writer, playwright and dabbling photographer. Im a pretty creative guy when I put my well toned ass in gear so im offering my services to any budding Motley Crue or Cannibal Corpse out there, COME TO YOUR RANTER AND I WILL BLESS THEE WITH A BAND NAME WORTHY TO FILL THE MILLENNIUM STADIUM IN CARDIFF !!
Seriously. During quiet moments of composing great poems I often conjure up cool names for non existent bands. Be a pity to waste them. (And believe me, they ARE very good.) So drop the Ranter a line, it will only cost you a few Jagerbombs. See you at the stadium!

Label Shmabel

So the partner of the late rock star Stuart Cable is leading a new campaign for stronger warnings on alcohol packaging is she? Hasn't she got better things to be doing? Heavens to James Beam! If we get into even more of a nanny f**king state than we are now, nobody will be free to do anything without some do gooder breathing down our necks! Plebs.
As you know the Ranter is quite partial to a tipple or ten AND BY ALL THAT IS SOZZLED I WILL CONTINUE DAMN IT!!


I knew my 'art' would come in handy in a blog one day

Slapping bloody labels on booze WILL DO SWEET F A You could give away diseased livers with every bottle and it wouldnt put me off. (Now theres a cool idead!) Why is there always someone out to spoil ones fun? And even worse trying to get a nosey snout in your freedom? Am I not free to imbibe until my livers content as long as im not creating misery for others?
This kind of thing didn't do much (if anything) with smokers. Those idiots are still sticking dried leaves in the gobs and lighting them, so why would anyone think us boozers will be any different?
Listen up and listen close ~ I DO NOT WANT DO GOODERS AND LILY LIVERED SELF RIGHTEOUS PR**S IN MY LIFE! GO AND ANNOY SOMEONE ELSE YOU SHRIVELLED UP OIKS! DO NOT TRY TO CREATE A DIFFERENT LIFE FOR ME OR TRY TO FORCE ONE ON ME. I WILL NOT THANK YOU FOR IT!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? GOOD, NOW GO PAINT A TOENAIL.

About As Deep As Puddles

So People magazine are compiling a list of 'The 100 Most Beautiful People' eh? And none of them will be airbrushed up the ass will they? Perish the thought. ISTHIS THE TYPE OF NONSENSE PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN NOWADAYS? ARE THEY SO DULL AND UGLY THAT THEY HAVE TO RESORT TO LOOKING TOWARD CRETINS IN MAGAZINES? THIS IS A SICK, SICK GROUP OF PEOPLE WE ARE FEEDING HERE.
Its that wretched 'celebrity' grovel again!! 'Oh someones in the media spotlight, they must be ever so special.' 'He/she is an actor/singer, I must take an interest in everything they do!' OH JUST F**K OFF AND DIE YOU INSUFERABLE BAST@RD! I should feel sorry for these mutts because they are obviously TAPPED IN THE NUT but by the love of all drunkeness, I cant. Horrible wasters.

Chow Mein Nein!

What the f**k is the deal with COW MEIN then?????? Ive never tried it before, thats almost forty cider addled years, and by the holy bottle of Wolfenbuttel I now realise I was entirely correct to avoid it! It tastes the bloody rubber!! Bleurgh, I feel piggn' sick!! How can anyone sane enjoy that stuff? I would have been better off eating the packaging the unholy noodles arrived in. Buddha on a pogo~stick!!

Nothin' But A Sheen Time!

These past few days the tabloids have been going mental over the antics of actor Charlie Sheen and his hard partying lifestyle. Now im not usually one for reading about celebrity gossip because to me if you have to follow what the rich and famous get up to in their PRIVATE life then its a pretty cheap (not to mention foul) life of your own that you are living.
But all this hoo~ha has finally got to the Ranter and all I have to say is, WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH CHARLIE'S LIFESTYLE? So what he enjoys the company of porn stars and likes to party>? He's a Hollywood movie star who earns £1.25m per episode with one of his shows, HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ROCK N' F**KING ROLL! What do you want him to do? go home after a days filming and tend to his garden? Come on!!


awesome 80's movie

He told a reporter (himself probably coked out of his eyeballs) "I'm fine. People don't seem to get it. Guy can't have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds."
And I completely agree with Charlie. Hell if I was earning anything near the amount he is earning I WOULD BE RIGHT THERE ALONGSIDE HIM, WHOOPING IT UP LIKE A MAN POSSESSED! (In fact I would have been dead a few drinks and snorts back.) It HIS life, leave him the hell alone FFS! The media ARE TURDS AND A LOT WORSE! I see that it is the red tops (tabloids) that are condemning Mr Sheen. You know, those bastions of virtue and honesty. (Stop laughing at the back!) Those reporters don't do drugs do they? No, never. Laughs Out Loud!
It is one of life's pains in the ass that people feel the need to intrude on other peoples choice of lifestyle. 'Ooh you shouldn't drink so much!' 'Dont eat so much red meat!' Or 'those drugs will kill you!' OH PI$$ OFF! EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD KILLS YOU AND WHETHER WE DIE AT 40 OR 90 ITS STILL A BLOODY SHORT TRIP WE ARE ON HERE!
Ignore the fools Charlie, we all know that you and I are right. Now pass me a line.

Beware The Wolf

It has come to the Ranter's attention that another telling of the Little Red Riding Hood tale is on its way from HollyBored. Its called Red Riding Hood (wheres the 'Little' gone? Eh?) and it stars one of yours drunkenly's favourite actors, Gary Oldman. Now, while I am not going to offer a rant to Mr Oldman (afterall everyone needs to put sherry on the table) I am going to stick a giant two fingers up at the film. Well to be fair, the trailer of the film.


No Nu~Wolves here

I have just seen it online and all I can say is, WHAT THE F**K?! The bounders have turned it into a bloody werewolf film!! The wolf is Nu Wolf (see Nu metal) with a girly looking, male model~alike playing its human form. Not suprising its being made by Twilight director Catherine Somethingorother so its corked from the start.
And I'll wager a bottle of Macellan that we dont get to see wolfey until the end.

At Least TRY!

Reading the line up to this years Download festival something has occurred to me as I pour my whisky ~ WHY THE F**K DON'T BANDS PUT MORE EFFORT INTO FINDING A DECENT NAME?? (Not just Metal bands by the way.) I mean you're supposed to be up there, lighting up arenas, the least you could bloody well do is have a pretty spiffing name blazing away in the background!
Heres a few names at the 2011 festival: Clutch, The Cult, The Damned Things, FM, Hollywood Undead, Korn, Mr. Big, and Pendulum. In all that is tipsy, these band names are RUBBISH! And heres a few others (thankfully not at Download): Boyzone, Take That, Pink, The Beatles, Kaiser Chiefs and Oasis. Who thought of these monickers? A bloke in the pub?


New band name ~ The Teabags?

I know some artists believe in certain chemicals to 'expand the mind' and a lot come up with garbled (what they think to be clever) ideas to explain how their bands name came about, but in most cases the drugs must be broke. My guinea pig could devise a more cooler sounding name.
Slayer and Motley Crue got it right. Simple yet stylish and effective. Like a drunken attempt at a kiss on a woman you have always secretly fancied. (And I have a few of those over on Facebook.) The Doors and The Jam on the other hand got it wrong. Like attempting to fry a pot noodle.
And before I get asked, YES I have come up with a couple of snazzy names but im keeping them chilled in the fridge for now. Cheers!

Enter The Kitty

So Anne Hathaway has been confirmed to play Catwoman in the upcoming film, 'The Dark Knight Rises'. F**k, I say! Diddly f**k. I have nothing against Ms Hathaway, (to be honest ive never seen her in a film) but Catwoman is a BORING villain. Damned boring. More boring even than lager and wine spritzers. And after the psychopathic delights of The Joker in the last Batty outing, wheeling out Catwoman is to the Ranter's sozzled mind a bit....crap.


A cat

Here is a description of Catwoman from Batman's list of enemies ~ 'Catwoman (Selina Kyle) is an accomplished jewel-thief with a taste for luxury. She is extremely agile and acrobatic.'
Well whoop di doo! She sounds quite the round of Jagerbombs. Not! Like any normal boy, Ive been a Batman fan since forever and Catwoman has always bored me. She was only ever cool when Lee Meriwether played her (among others) in the 1960s Batman television series and that was because she looked so scotch~droppingly HOT and gave my boyhood dreams something worth going to sleep for. Man, that suit! Sizzle sizzle.
Of course that is exactly whats behind the reasoning in bringing her back in this movie. To have the teenage boys dribbling down the cinema ailses. If they had wanted an interesting female villian they could have gone with Harley Quinn, ('tho admittedly we've already had The Joker.)
Well thats f**king it then. The Ranter had hoped that this lastest trilogy of Batman films by Christopher Nolan would be flawless, each one a fitting tribute to the Dark Knight. However the kitty will prove to be the banana skin. That last drink that gives you the hangover.

Golden Globes ~ Gervais Off

The 68th Golden Globes went down on sunday at the Beverly Hilton hotel. And allow me first to say that I am well chuffed that the delightful Katey Sagal won Best Actress in a Television Series for her role as the 'Ma Of Steel' (my description) in the fandabidozee Sons of Anarchy. Outstanding. Very tidy we say here in West Wales.
Talking of Wales, I was also raising my Penderyn whisky that Christian Bale (who is Welsh, hails from Haverfordwest you know) won Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. Da iawn that man !
Now heres where it gets Ranty! Why the f**k did they hire that vile Ricky Gervais as host? Why? Why? Double gin and olives WHY? The man is garbage and about as funny as terminal cancer. This is the bloke who's appearance in Grand Theft Auto 4 almost put me off playing it (mercifully he only has a small part and you could skip it.)
I don't care that he upset a lot of A listers at the event, most of them are c***s anyway but how anyone could think that having Gervais' fat, smug chops up on stage babbling his imbecelic 'comedy' was a good idea is beyond my pint of Shiraz. He is a mini plague in human form.
I have seen one episode of 'The Office' and it was dog sh!t. I have not exposed myself to his other rubbish because it is no doubt dire and what is seen cannot be unseen. Im not suprised this foul man has been successful in Britain when you look at the other crap we have (Simon Cowell the Ranter is looking at YOU) but please America, don't embrace this buffoon and humour him. Its like making fun of the disabled.

Feeling A Little Thin

What in the name of Felinfoel Ale has happened to films on DVD? Eh? Well not so much the films themselves (believe me, thats an entirely new RANT) but the cases/packaging they come in. Where the hell have the little booklets with information about the movie gone? When DVDs first made their appearance I always got them. The first DVD I bought, Gladiator had a pretty decent sized booklet with film facts and other gumph included. Ok I didn't read it, but by the grace of gin it was nice that it was there.

This Is EMPTY more like

Nowadays all you get when you buy a DVD is the bluddy case and disc! Its like buying one of those Salt n' Shake packets of crisps only to find the blue bag of salt has gone missing, and its really starting to annoy! (Like those miscreants who put coke in vodka.) Its all well and good when you get a freebie film from a newspaper or magazine but when im paying upwards of £8 for a movie, I WANT THOSE LITTLE BOOKLETS! And its not just the cheaper DVDs that do this either, the f**king so called 'exclusive' versions of the DVD are at it as well! Many a time ive foolishly opted for the dearer DVD and all I friggen' get for my troubles (and expense) is a poxy inlay card advertising new movies! Bast*rds!
And while im on the subject of card, why the f**k do some DVDs come with that crappy outer cardboard sleeve? I HATE THAT SHYTE! DESIST IN THE CARDBOARDY MADNESS THIS INSTANT! It screws up the collection because you have to STUFF the DVD into the rack if you happen to store films in specialist wire DVD racks, WHICH RUINS EVERYTHING!
Im glad I made the jump to Blu Ray because im thoroughly fed up with the state of DVD these days, but alas by all that is drunk, you cannot find everything on Blu which is depressing. Think i'll go pour myself a cognac.

The Great Brit Awards Con

So Iron Maiden get a Number One album in the UK and they don't even get a Brit Awards nomination?? WTF?!?? Just proves what cr@p goes on there really. F**king Brit Awards, full of spineless conmen.
Maiden are a real band, look at their f**king success ! Probably the last greats we'll have. Oh but no, give Biffy sodding Clyro a nod and a clap instead. If I was in Maiden id go and create such a sh!t storm at the awards like you wouldn't believe.
Still Steve Harris & Co have proved you don't need a whole lot of media behind you to make it. They were largely ignored in the 80's but went from strength to strength. Iron Maiden are one of the most successful bands in the world right now.
Which makes this obvious snub that bit bloody harder to take! Had it been Oasis or Amy Winehouse with the number one album, they would have been nominated quicker than the white stuff disappears up nostrils backstage (allegedly). Im f**king FUMING, and eventhough I shouldn't be suprised, it has left a very foul taste in my Shanty gob. (Even worse than flat Diamond White cider. Brrrr !)


The Ranter tells it like it is.....

Im just happy ive never watched the thing. 'So why are you getting so mad?' I hear you all ask. Well im the RANTER! Its my job to be getting mad, especially when it involves a bunch of suited tosh pots ignoring one of my most beloved bands OF ALL TIME! Ive been a fan of Iron Maiden since the beginning and to see them treated like this brings the afternoon's scotch back up to my throat.
Its always the f**king way isn't it? The smarmy sycophants who glob onto record companies and listen to every word they say get the medals while the renegades and rebels who don't give a flying carthorse get shunned like leprous pariahs. EVEN WHEN THEY GET A NUMBER ONE ALBUM! Of course heavy metal music has always been the outcast, always been the 'devil worshippers music' (what a laugh that is) so the Sh!t Awards are only carrying on the tradition of ignoring it.

The Morons That Roam....Free !

Now I do not watch Eastenders, last time I did (around 10 years ago) it was like being poked in the eyeball by a rusty, coathanger. Also cockney accents make my ears want to shrivel up like cancerous caterpillars, so I avoid at all costs. This morning however, there is no getting away from it because the newspapers (mainly the tabloids of course) have deemed it necessary to splash it all over the front pages.
Something about a baby dying (in the soap) and a fan of the show hurling abuse at one of the actresses involved in the story. I cant be bothered to investigate further as my tea is getting cold but thats the gist of it. Now, what in the bally hell is happening in this country when people cannot seperate make believe from real life? How pathetic can somebody's life be when they are so deeply 'involved' with a soap opera? Are they aware these things are made up and scripted by story tellers? Do they ever step outside their front door? They do realise we are in the 21st century right?
Its frightening to think these people exist and yet they must do. (And one look at the ratings of reality tv tells us its so.) The person who shouted at this actress needs a damned good kick up the ass! And someone should confiscate her television until she learns to grow up and not rely on mouldy, miserable tv programmes.

The Humble Bag of Crisps....

now costs OVER £1 TO BUY!?!! Thats right, Ive just had to pay one pound f**king 2 miserable pence for a bag of my favourite cheese & chive potato snacks! Even the humble f**king crisp has been shanghai'd in the VAT rise today. You'd think they would leave the crisp alone. Is nothing sacred anymore? Crisps have been the favourite 'treat' to kids from irresponisible parents (the ones who have never heard of fruit) for donkeys years. Not any more they wont be!
I remember when they were 5p. I wasn't so Ranty or Shanty back then but I didn't bloody need to be because everything wasn't so screwed up.


Note the wallet friendly price

I know prices will rise as time rolls on, im not so naive to believe otherwise but upon my jug of Jagermeister, I never thought I would drink to see the day when Id have to shell out over a pound for a bag of what is essentially salt with a bit of potato lobbed in. Its quite jolly sobering let me tell you, and I don't like SOBER. Sober is cold hearted and makes your dear Ranter a fugitive from his wits. (Ooh now thats quite brilliant!)
Anyhow before I get all wordy, the crisps didn't even last that long! The empty packet now sits at my side like an eel that has been shine polished then steamrollered. Booger!
And things will only get worse my friends. Today its £1.02p for potato chips, tomorrow it will be over a fiver for a pint of beer (or near enough) and we will be left facing the harsh, bitter truths of this world without absence of mind. Without the glow of mother booze. Bast*rdo!!