Okay so I have tried. Today for lunch I prepared a healthy salady meal that included a jacket spud, celery, sweetcorn, tomato and spring onion. I even avoided smothering the lot in salt and coleslaw, which is what I usually do with stuff like this to give it some kind of flavour. And as I sat before my plate trying to summon up enough interest to dig in, I must admit dear reader that it did look awfully nice what with all the yellow, red and green colours before me, promising a tasty treat. I felt a zen~like calm flow over my Jagermeister encrusted soul.
Then the f**king thing broke. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS WANTS TO EAT THIS CRAP REGULARLY? BESIDES NOT HAVING ENOUGH SUBSTANCE TO FILL A HAMSTER THIS POXY SALAD STUFF IS F**KING HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH! 'HEALTHY EATING' EL OH F**KING EL AS THE INTERNET SAYS. I NEARLY CHOKED TWICE ON THE SWEETCORN ALONE AND IM CERTAIN THAT STRINGY CELERY CRAP IS GOING TO KNOT IN MY COLON SOON. THE BLOODY PLATE WAS A MINEFIELD I TELL YOU. NEVER AGAIN!
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY THAT BOOOZE AFFORDS, COURAGE TO AVOID SOBRIETY AND WISDOM TO AVOID VEGETABLES. AMEN.
For the most part im a gentle, contented soul, happy to let life go on its merry way. But sometimes things happen that would test the patience of a saint (or a poet) and for these little troubles I give you Ranter the Shanter ~ Born to shant, Loves to rant! You think im cute when I get mad? Well in a minute im about to be f**king gorgeous.
Thursday 26 May 2011
Monday 23 May 2011
A Shameless Plug
Your dear Ranter has been a critic of supermarket Farmfoods in the past (mainly because they don't sell alcohol), but a man cannot be called a true inebriate if he cannot admit to his wrongs so here I am admitting away. I WAS WRONG! FARMFOODS IS INDEED A FANTASTIC PLACE!I URGE YOU TO SHOP THERE IN DROVES! YOUR REWARDS SHALL INDEED BE MIGHTY!
Why the turned tables? Why is a man such as your beloved Shanter, so devoted in his quest for getting pi$$ed, now backing a supermarket that sells no booze. (I still find that hard to type). In a word its PRICES. They majorly undercut places like Morrisons and Tesco. We're not talking of saving pennies but pounds! A few examples your honour; turkey burgers £1.79 in Mozzies, £1 in Farmfoods. Linda McCartney's vegetarian sausages, Mozzies £1.89, Farmfoods £1. The list could go on. Now this isn't a case of saving a few f**king pence!
IM JUMPING SHIP, F**K IT! BOOZE FROM MOZZIE'S, FROZEN GRUB FROM FARMFOODS. TO HELL WITH FRESH FRUIT.
Why the turned tables? Why is a man such as your beloved Shanter, so devoted in his quest for getting pi$$ed, now backing a supermarket that sells no booze. (I still find that hard to type). In a word its PRICES. They majorly undercut places like Morrisons and Tesco. We're not talking of saving pennies but pounds! A few examples your honour; turkey burgers £1.79 in Mozzies, £1 in Farmfoods. Linda McCartney's vegetarian sausages, Mozzies £1.89, Farmfoods £1. The list could go on. Now this isn't a case of saving a few f**king pence!
IM JUMPING SHIP, F**K IT! BOOZE FROM MOZZIE'S, FROZEN GRUB FROM FARMFOODS. TO HELL WITH FRESH FRUIT.
Monday 9 May 2011
All Pish and Nonsense !
So game company Kuma have come under fire for releasing a videogame where players can kill Bin Laden? OH GIVE ME A F**KING BREAK!! SO WE CAN GO AROUND MURDERING INNOCENT PEDESTRIANS AND HOOKERS IN GRAND THEFT AUTO, SAINT'S ROW, ETC, ETC BUT BUTTER ME WITH A COCKTAIL STIRRER, WE MUST NOT BE ABLE TO KILL ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST DESPISED MEN?? GET ALLAH OUTTA HERE!
THIS DOUCHE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING A MAJOR HAND IN DESPICABLE ACTS OF TERRORISM, AND SOME PEOPLE ARE UPSET OVER A GAME??! NURSE! ANOTHER DRINK PLEASE!
Halt! Who Goes There?
All bloody events in history have been covered in videogames (well most of them, we haven't had the crucifixion yet but it can't be far off), from World War 2 through to Iraq and nobody has so much raised a Martini fart until now. WHO IS THIS GAME OFFENDING? WHO'S PEANUTS HAD IT CRAPPED IT ON? ID BE WILLING TO BET THAT SENSIBLE PEOPLE OF ALL FAITHS ARE HAPPY THIS GUY IS NO MORE.
People need to lighten up and order more drinks.
THIS DOUCHE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR HAVING A MAJOR HAND IN DESPICABLE ACTS OF TERRORISM, AND SOME PEOPLE ARE UPSET OVER A GAME??! NURSE! ANOTHER DRINK PLEASE!
Halt! Who Goes There?
All bloody events in history have been covered in videogames (well most of them, we haven't had the crucifixion yet but it can't be far off), from World War 2 through to Iraq and nobody has so much raised a Martini fart until now. WHO IS THIS GAME OFFENDING? WHO'S PEANUTS HAD IT CRAPPED IT ON? ID BE WILLING TO BET THAT SENSIBLE PEOPLE OF ALL FAITHS ARE HAPPY THIS GUY IS NO MORE.
People need to lighten up and order more drinks.
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