Nothin' But A Sheen Time!

These past few days the tabloids have been going mental over the antics of actor Charlie Sheen and his hard partying lifestyle. Now im not usually one for reading about celebrity gossip because to me if you have to follow what the rich and famous get up to in their PRIVATE life then its a pretty cheap (not to mention foul) life of your own that you are living.
But all this hoo~ha has finally got to the Ranter and all I have to say is, WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH CHARLIE'S LIFESTYLE? So what he enjoys the company of porn stars and likes to party>? He's a Hollywood movie star who earns £1.25m per episode with one of his shows, HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ROCK N' F**KING ROLL! What do you want him to do? go home after a days filming and tend to his garden? Come on!!


awesome 80's movie

He told a reporter (himself probably coked out of his eyeballs) "I'm fine. People don't seem to get it. Guy can't have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds."
And I completely agree with Charlie. Hell if I was earning anything near the amount he is earning I WOULD BE RIGHT THERE ALONGSIDE HIM, WHOOPING IT UP LIKE A MAN POSSESSED! (In fact I would have been dead a few drinks and snorts back.) It HIS life, leave him the hell alone FFS! The media ARE TURDS AND A LOT WORSE! I see that it is the red tops (tabloids) that are condemning Mr Sheen. You know, those bastions of virtue and honesty. (Stop laughing at the back!) Those reporters don't do drugs do they? No, never. Laughs Out Loud!
It is one of life's pains in the ass that people feel the need to intrude on other peoples choice of lifestyle. 'Ooh you shouldn't drink so much!' 'Dont eat so much red meat!' Or 'those drugs will kill you!' OH PI$$ OFF! EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD KILLS YOU AND WHETHER WE DIE AT 40 OR 90 ITS STILL A BLOODY SHORT TRIP WE ARE ON HERE!
Ignore the fools Charlie, we all know that you and I are right. Now pass me a line.

Beware The Wolf

It has come to the Ranter's attention that another telling of the Little Red Riding Hood tale is on its way from HollyBored. Its called Red Riding Hood (wheres the 'Little' gone? Eh?) and it stars one of yours drunkenly's favourite actors, Gary Oldman. Now, while I am not going to offer a rant to Mr Oldman (afterall everyone needs to put sherry on the table) I am going to stick a giant two fingers up at the film. Well to be fair, the trailer of the film.


No Nu~Wolves here

I have just seen it online and all I can say is, WHAT THE F**K?! The bounders have turned it into a bloody werewolf film!! The wolf is Nu Wolf (see Nu metal) with a girly looking, male model~alike playing its human form. Not suprising its being made by Twilight director Catherine Somethingorother so its corked from the start.
And I'll wager a bottle of Macellan that we dont get to see wolfey until the end.

At Least TRY!

Reading the line up to this years Download festival something has occurred to me as I pour my whisky ~ WHY THE F**K DON'T BANDS PUT MORE EFFORT INTO FINDING A DECENT NAME?? (Not just Metal bands by the way.) I mean you're supposed to be up there, lighting up arenas, the least you could bloody well do is have a pretty spiffing name blazing away in the background!
Heres a few names at the 2011 festival: Clutch, The Cult, The Damned Things, FM, Hollywood Undead, Korn, Mr. Big, and Pendulum. In all that is tipsy, these band names are RUBBISH! And heres a few others (thankfully not at Download): Boyzone, Take That, Pink, The Beatles, Kaiser Chiefs and Oasis. Who thought of these monickers? A bloke in the pub?


New band name ~ The Teabags?

I know some artists believe in certain chemicals to 'expand the mind' and a lot come up with garbled (what they think to be clever) ideas to explain how their bands name came about, but in most cases the drugs must be broke. My guinea pig could devise a more cooler sounding name.
Slayer and Motley Crue got it right. Simple yet stylish and effective. Like a drunken attempt at a kiss on a woman you have always secretly fancied. (And I have a few of those over on Facebook.) The Doors and The Jam on the other hand got it wrong. Like attempting to fry a pot noodle.
And before I get asked, YES I have come up with a couple of snazzy names but im keeping them chilled in the fridge for now. Cheers!

Enter The Kitty

So Anne Hathaway has been confirmed to play Catwoman in the upcoming film, 'The Dark Knight Rises'. F**k, I say! Diddly f**k. I have nothing against Ms Hathaway, (to be honest ive never seen her in a film) but Catwoman is a BORING villain. Damned boring. More boring even than lager and wine spritzers. And after the psychopathic delights of The Joker in the last Batty outing, wheeling out Catwoman is to the Ranter's sozzled mind a bit....crap.


A cat

Here is a description of Catwoman from Batman's list of enemies ~ 'Catwoman (Selina Kyle) is an accomplished jewel-thief with a taste for luxury. She is extremely agile and acrobatic.'
Well whoop di doo! She sounds quite the round of Jagerbombs. Not! Like any normal boy, Ive been a Batman fan since forever and Catwoman has always bored me. She was only ever cool when Lee Meriwether played her (among others) in the 1960s Batman television series and that was because she looked so scotch~droppingly HOT and gave my boyhood dreams something worth going to sleep for. Man, that suit! Sizzle sizzle.
Of course that is exactly whats behind the reasoning in bringing her back in this movie. To have the teenage boys dribbling down the cinema ailses. If they had wanted an interesting female villian they could have gone with Harley Quinn, ('tho admittedly we've already had The Joker.)
Well thats f**king it then. The Ranter had hoped that this lastest trilogy of Batman films by Christopher Nolan would be flawless, each one a fitting tribute to the Dark Knight. However the kitty will prove to be the banana skin. That last drink that gives you the hangover.

Golden Globes ~ Gervais Off

The 68th Golden Globes went down on sunday at the Beverly Hilton hotel. And allow me first to say that I am well chuffed that the delightful Katey Sagal won Best Actress in a Television Series for her role as the 'Ma Of Steel' (my description) in the fandabidozee Sons of Anarchy. Outstanding. Very tidy we say here in West Wales.
Talking of Wales, I was also raising my Penderyn whisky that Christian Bale (who is Welsh, hails from Haverfordwest you know) won Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. Da iawn that man !
Now heres where it gets Ranty! Why the f**k did they hire that vile Ricky Gervais as host? Why? Why? Double gin and olives WHY? The man is garbage and about as funny as terminal cancer. This is the bloke who's appearance in Grand Theft Auto 4 almost put me off playing it (mercifully he only has a small part and you could skip it.)
I don't care that he upset a lot of A listers at the event, most of them are c***s anyway but how anyone could think that having Gervais' fat, smug chops up on stage babbling his imbecelic 'comedy' was a good idea is beyond my pint of Shiraz. He is a mini plague in human form.
I have seen one episode of 'The Office' and it was dog sh!t. I have not exposed myself to his other rubbish because it is no doubt dire and what is seen cannot be unseen. Im not suprised this foul man has been successful in Britain when you look at the other crap we have (Simon Cowell the Ranter is looking at YOU) but please America, don't embrace this buffoon and humour him. Its like making fun of the disabled.

Feeling A Little Thin

What in the name of Felinfoel Ale has happened to films on DVD? Eh? Well not so much the films themselves (believe me, thats an entirely new RANT) but the cases/packaging they come in. Where the hell have the little booklets with information about the movie gone? When DVDs first made their appearance I always got them. The first DVD I bought, Gladiator had a pretty decent sized booklet with film facts and other gumph included. Ok I didn't read it, but by the grace of gin it was nice that it was there.

This Is EMPTY more like

Nowadays all you get when you buy a DVD is the bluddy case and disc! Its like buying one of those Salt n' Shake packets of crisps only to find the blue bag of salt has gone missing, and its really starting to annoy! (Like those miscreants who put coke in vodka.) Its all well and good when you get a freebie film from a newspaper or magazine but when im paying upwards of £8 for a movie, I WANT THOSE LITTLE BOOKLETS! And its not just the cheaper DVDs that do this either, the f**king so called 'exclusive' versions of the DVD are at it as well! Many a time ive foolishly opted for the dearer DVD and all I friggen' get for my troubles (and expense) is a poxy inlay card advertising new movies! Bast*rds!
And while im on the subject of card, why the f**k do some DVDs come with that crappy outer cardboard sleeve? I HATE THAT SHYTE! DESIST IN THE CARDBOARDY MADNESS THIS INSTANT! It screws up the collection because you have to STUFF the DVD into the rack if you happen to store films in specialist wire DVD racks, WHICH RUINS EVERYTHING!
Im glad I made the jump to Blu Ray because im thoroughly fed up with the state of DVD these days, but alas by all that is drunk, you cannot find everything on Blu which is depressing. Think i'll go pour myself a cognac.

The Great Brit Awards Con

So Iron Maiden get a Number One album in the UK and they don't even get a Brit Awards nomination?? WTF?!?? Just proves what cr@p goes on there really. F**king Brit Awards, full of spineless conmen.
Maiden are a real band, look at their f**king success ! Probably the last greats we'll have. Oh but no, give Biffy sodding Clyro a nod and a clap instead. If I was in Maiden id go and create such a sh!t storm at the awards like you wouldn't believe.
Still Steve Harris & Co have proved you don't need a whole lot of media behind you to make it. They were largely ignored in the 80's but went from strength to strength. Iron Maiden are one of the most successful bands in the world right now.
Which makes this obvious snub that bit bloody harder to take! Had it been Oasis or Amy Winehouse with the number one album, they would have been nominated quicker than the white stuff disappears up nostrils backstage (allegedly). Im f**king FUMING, and eventhough I shouldn't be suprised, it has left a very foul taste in my Shanty gob. (Even worse than flat Diamond White cider. Brrrr !)


The Ranter tells it like it is.....

Im just happy ive never watched the thing. 'So why are you getting so mad?' I hear you all ask. Well im the RANTER! Its my job to be getting mad, especially when it involves a bunch of suited tosh pots ignoring one of my most beloved bands OF ALL TIME! Ive been a fan of Iron Maiden since the beginning and to see them treated like this brings the afternoon's scotch back up to my throat.
Its always the f**king way isn't it? The smarmy sycophants who glob onto record companies and listen to every word they say get the medals while the renegades and rebels who don't give a flying carthorse get shunned like leprous pariahs. EVEN WHEN THEY GET A NUMBER ONE ALBUM! Of course heavy metal music has always been the outcast, always been the 'devil worshippers music' (what a laugh that is) so the Sh!t Awards are only carrying on the tradition of ignoring it.

The Morons That Roam....Free !

Now I do not watch Eastenders, last time I did (around 10 years ago) it was like being poked in the eyeball by a rusty, coathanger. Also cockney accents make my ears want to shrivel up like cancerous caterpillars, so I avoid at all costs. This morning however, there is no getting away from it because the newspapers (mainly the tabloids of course) have deemed it necessary to splash it all over the front pages.
Something about a baby dying (in the soap) and a fan of the show hurling abuse at one of the actresses involved in the story. I cant be bothered to investigate further as my tea is getting cold but thats the gist of it. Now, what in the bally hell is happening in this country when people cannot seperate make believe from real life? How pathetic can somebody's life be when they are so deeply 'involved' with a soap opera? Are they aware these things are made up and scripted by story tellers? Do they ever step outside their front door? They do realise we are in the 21st century right?
Its frightening to think these people exist and yet they must do. (And one look at the ratings of reality tv tells us its so.) The person who shouted at this actress needs a damned good kick up the ass! And someone should confiscate her television until she learns to grow up and not rely on mouldy, miserable tv programmes.

The Humble Bag of Crisps....

now costs OVER £1 TO BUY!?!! Thats right, Ive just had to pay one pound f**king 2 miserable pence for a bag of my favourite cheese & chive potato snacks! Even the humble f**king crisp has been shanghai'd in the VAT rise today. You'd think they would leave the crisp alone. Is nothing sacred anymore? Crisps have been the favourite 'treat' to kids from irresponisible parents (the ones who have never heard of fruit) for donkeys years. Not any more they wont be!
I remember when they were 5p. I wasn't so Ranty or Shanty back then but I didn't bloody need to be because everything wasn't so screwed up.


Note the wallet friendly price

I know prices will rise as time rolls on, im not so naive to believe otherwise but upon my jug of Jagermeister, I never thought I would drink to see the day when Id have to shell out over a pound for a bag of what is essentially salt with a bit of potato lobbed in. Its quite jolly sobering let me tell you, and I don't like SOBER. Sober is cold hearted and makes your dear Ranter a fugitive from his wits. (Ooh now thats quite brilliant!)
Anyhow before I get all wordy, the crisps didn't even last that long! The empty packet now sits at my side like an eel that has been shine polished then steamrollered. Booger!
And things will only get worse my friends. Today its £1.02p for potato chips, tomorrow it will be over a fiver for a pint of beer (or near enough) and we will be left facing the harsh, bitter truths of this world without absence of mind. Without the glow of mother booze. Bast*rdo!!