Public Enemas

There is nothing else on at the moment so the Shanter decided to watch Public Enemies, a movie about bank robber John Dillinger with Johnny Depp in the main role. And let me tell you this, the Ranter is so damned glad that he is Shanting, otherwise the bile would be choking him.
Its been a long time since I can recall watching something so dedicated to a display of criminal behaviour. The film positively champions murderers and villains, propping them up on a silver screen which by now must be turning yellow.
What the f**k is wrong with some film makers? This Robin Hood tosh is utterly desperate and not only desperate but positively vulgar. No criminal ever gave a toss about the poor, much less give to them anything. I wonder about such gullible twerps who believe this myth. I wonder who is holding their leash for they are truly DOGS.
Here is a quick bit of intel on Baby Faced Nelson (who partnered Dillinger on various criminal escapades.) 'A hot-tempered man, Nelson did not hesitate to kill lawmen and innocent bystanders alike.' He also holds the dubious 'honour' of having killed more F.B.I. Agents than anyone else.
Wonderful man im sure you'll agree. His actions must merit a film or two. No? And Dillinger was so wily and clever, a film demands his immortality. He was a poor, downtrodden guy who earned his place in our hearts. Did he? Did he f**king really?

Best thing for him

Robbing, stealing, murdering (and not giving sweet F.A. to the poor). Is this what we should be aiming towards? Okay okay, I know Hollywood aren't supposed to be giving us life lessons and they are only storytelling pieces of history but why the f**k do they care about criminal scumbags? Why does anyone care about them?
I could go out now and rob a few banks, maybe kill three or four innocents and actually get supporters. On the other hand, I get myself raped or killed (or better yet both) and im ignored. Cast aside like a weak wretch. ITS A SCREWED UP PLANET WE ARE LIVING ON!
A place where Ted Bundy is revered more than Ted Hughes. Hit the STOP button God, I want to get off.

Ted Hughes !!

This blog is now endorsed by none other than former Poet Laureate and ladies man, Ted Hughes. Probably.


Sex icon Hughes

The Phone That Is....

GARBAGE. Step forward the detestable Samsung GT-S3650, which not only inspires you to quit on technology altogether but also gives you the urge to headbut brick walls. I kid ye not. Oh it tries so hard to be an iPhone! It WANTS to be an iPhone! And it dresses like one, it has a touchscreen like one, but do not be fooled! A calculator made in 1985 is more of an iPhone than this piece of sh!t.


Stabbed: No less than this garbage deserves

Of course the price should tell you the obvious but in these turbulent fiscal times it is easy to be seduced by a cheaper product. I mean, if it does the same job (or similar enough job) as the real thing then who cares?
Trouble is, the Samsung GT-S3650 is dog crap. If dog crap was a mobile telephone, it would model itself on this. And what the f**k does the pretentious sounding GT-S3650 mean? Let me guess ~ Garbage Telephone - Sh!t and some random numbers? Close enough? Is the GT bit supposed to make it sound a bit like a sports car or something? (My money's on 'something.') Because allow the Ranter to make this very clear ~ if this stinking excuse for a cell phone was a car, it would be....DOG CRAP! Dog crap on wheels, with one wheel hanging off and the others stuck.
Let me point out a few of the phones let downs. (It has to only be a few otherwise we would be here all day and im sure you all have nicer, Christmassy things to be getting on with.)
The video: on the (rare) plus side the screen is nice and big, allowing for good playback. Spiffing! Trouble is this phone has less memory than a retarded goldfish so whatever it is you want to capture for prosperity (or more 'private' moments *wink*) then make sure to get it all within five minutes. This might be three minutes longer than you actually need for those private moments *wink* but lets be honest here, five minutes is pretty f**king pathetic. (Okay it can do a bit longer if needed but not much. Ive got an older phone which is able to record an HOUR of footage.)

Even tastes bland

Want to apply a personal touch with your own wallpaper? Not with this you can't, its simply too much for the frigid turd. While other phones allow the user to choose a photograph of their choice and simply set it as a wallpaper or screensaver, Samsung's little piece of plastic leprosy forces you to resize and align the photo before you do so but try as you might, YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET THE PICTURE THE WAY YOU WANT IT! I have a Welsh dragon as my wallpaper. Correction! I have the Welsh dragon's EARHOLE as my wallpaper because thats the way this mobile phone rolls. It won't let you do the simplest of things, you might as well ROLL IT UNDER A DAMN TRUCK!
Make no mistake, this is a lousy mobile telephone which apart from the decent sized screen has no redeeming features whatsover. It even struggles to go online (like it is now) and I swear its powered by steam. I could go on and on about its shortcomings but quite frankly I don't want to give it any more publicity (even bad publicity) its that bad. Plus its Christmas eve EVE and the Rants want to be dissolving into the delicious festive Shants.
I will leave you with this bit of advice ~ should you be unlucky enough to find this unholy mess in your stocking on Saturday morning SEND IT BACK FROM WHENCE IT CAME or trade it for something more useful. Like a paper nail.

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What Is This? Search Me....

A lot of households are webbed up in these 'enlightened' times. There is little excuse for ignorance. Need to find something? The search engine is your friend. Afterall if its not online, its not important. All the interesting and cool stuff has a website. Even churches are getting in on the technical act.
But do you want to know what really boils my schnitzel? Its people who have the internet and STILL ask others, 'what is that?' 'What does that mean?' *BANGS HEAD ON KEYBOARD* Ive seen it on forums and networking sites. USE THE DAMNED SEARCH ENGINE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Its not there to make the internet look pretty, its a tool to be used to FIND STUFF! Really! Try it now!
It can't be pure laziness can it? And nobody is THAT pushed for time. In the time they type out the question and wait for a reply, they could be scanning the search results. (Which are usually better informed than your hungover friend.)
Its something that shouldn't bother me but it does, and lets face it, this blog would be quite empty without my over boiled schnitzel.

Give Me Gin Over Religion This Christmas

You know what I hate about the Christmas period? The self righteous, attempting to ram Christianity down everybodys throats. 'Oh the REAL reason for Christmas is Jesus!' They wail. 'Not buying gifts and drinking yourself into oblivion.' Well f**k me, what were the three wise men doing in the stable then? Looking for a curry house? And as for drinking myself into oblivion then SO WHAT? Its a birthday celebration isn't it? Getting shanted up is what I do on birthdays so go play with your hymn book and leave me with mine. (Rugby hymns.)
Ive seen the ecards doing the rounds on places like Facebook, spouting things like 'Jesus Is The Reason For This Season.' Yes, its the Lads birthday, thats why im getting so AMAZINGLY DRUNK.
Also im not feeling too 'religious' (whatever that means) this year. You see, it will be my daughters first Christmas and I want everything to be magical. Only it won't be magical because it will also be my mothers third Christmas being DEAD. There will be a huge black scab over the festivities knowing that my mother did not share this first Christmas with her third Grandaughter. I know she's looking over us all but I wanted more than that. We don't always get what we want of course so the black scab will have to do but I don't really feel like thanking God for that so i'll skip the religious side of things thank you very much.
So im sticking to gluttony and loot this year and the sanctimonious pewheads (my new word for church goers) had better give me a wide berth. Thinking about it, spending the holidays doing it my way will be a lot more honest than how that motley bunch will be spending it. They preach against commercial gimmicks and stunts on Jesus' birthday, not realising what ghastly hypocrites they are. So there won't be an abundance of gifts and food at their houses eh? No parties or Christmas television specials? None of that eh? WHAT UTTER LIES.

What No Eats?

Remember those Chad things that were popular in the 1980's? You drew a little bald guy peeping over a wall with his big nose dangling over, then wrote 'Wot No' underneath and added a thing which was missing like 'Wot No Beer'. Well after comparing our fastfood chains to Americas I could make one saying, Wot No Eats. We are woefully behind in the food stakes, looking like scruffy paupers. And stuff the health issue, this is about CHOICE!
Over in the United States they have Wendy's, In-N-Out Burger, Jack In The Box, Dunkin' Donuts, Arby's, Sonic Drive-In, KFC, Taco Bell, Denny's (which famously never closes) Quiznos, Hot n' Now, MacDonalds, Waffle House, I could go on and on. What do we have in Britain? MacDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut and Burger King. Thats it! Its almost laughable, if I wasn't so bloody hungry!
To add to the woe (look it IS woe alright? We're talking about junkfood here) most of them close after 11pm!? So that all the drinker has to look forward to after a merry night on the swill is a sorry looking kebab from a grim little place in some dead end street.
Granted we are the home of fish & chips and I LOVE fresh cod and chips but fish isn't so appealing when the drinker is...well, drunk. No what he/she needs is a burger or fried chicken if you don't get them before 11pm you go hungry. Or dice with death and choose that kebab (proably made from the local stray animals.)
And it doesn't end there either, no sirreee! In good old Blighty (altho im beginning to wonder whats good about it anymore) if we decide to snack on a different countries cuisine we have the amazing option of....two. Thats correct TWO; Indian or Chinese. Some places you might find the odd Greek restraunt but mainly its two. How utterly splendid! Who could want any other food when you have a vindaloo or sweet and sour chicken a cooling?
Seems those damned yankees do. (And I mean that affecionately.) When I was Stateside I could have chosen Thai, Greek, Italian, Chinese, Indian, Vietnamese, Mexican, you name it. It was brilliant and made for exciting nights for my taste buds. And places seem to be OPEN all the time, as opposed to our eat-what-you-want-as-long-as-its-before-11pm-and-Indian-Chinese malarkey.
All very depressing. Where the hell are all the burger joints? Its not as if we shun fastfood because we're a nation of health freaks because we are not! We enjoy that stuff as much as our Star Spangled cousins over there. So please, open the f**k up and give us our daily grease and coronaries.

Black Ice

No I am not talking about AC/DC's rocktastic last record but that cursed stuff that forms on roads when temperatures plummet. Like now. My God it pi$$es me off! I enjoy a bit of snow, it makes gardens look pretty by hiding the broken bicycles and weeds and is soft should you happen to fall in it. There is even the chance you might be able to save your drink from spilling in the fall as its not severe.
Ice on the other claw is VERY severe like the hangover from a four day white cider binge. *shudder* It is evil. So evil in fact that I could picture Satan himself thinking, 'hmm....black ice? No ta, too evil for me!'
And theres little to be done but suffer it. Snow? Easy, dig. Ice? You be f**ked. Pouring boiling water on it only creates MORE ICE as water FREEZES. Duh. Ever had a hangover that picks at your brain all day and nothing you do seems to shift it? THAT IS ICE!
The only thing its good for is cocktails. It makes flagellation look fun.