Public Enemas

There is nothing else on at the moment so the Shanter decided to watch Public Enemies, a movie about bank robber John Dillinger with Johnny Depp in the main role. And let me tell you this, the Ranter is so damned glad that he is Shanting, otherwise the bile would be choking him.
Its been a long time since I can recall watching something so dedicated to a display of criminal behaviour. The film positively champions murderers and villains, propping them up on a silver screen which by now must be turning yellow.
What the f**k is wrong with some film makers? This Robin Hood tosh is utterly desperate and not only desperate but positively vulgar. No criminal ever gave a toss about the poor, much less give to them anything. I wonder about such gullible twerps who believe this myth. I wonder who is holding their leash for they are truly DOGS.
Here is a quick bit of intel on Baby Faced Nelson (who partnered Dillinger on various criminal escapades.) 'A hot-tempered man, Nelson did not hesitate to kill lawmen and innocent bystanders alike.' He also holds the dubious 'honour' of having killed more F.B.I. Agents than anyone else.
Wonderful man im sure you'll agree. His actions must merit a film or two. No? And Dillinger was so wily and clever, a film demands his immortality. He was a poor, downtrodden guy who earned his place in our hearts. Did he? Did he f**king really?

Best thing for him

Robbing, stealing, murdering (and not giving sweet F.A. to the poor). Is this what we should be aiming towards? Okay okay, I know Hollywood aren't supposed to be giving us life lessons and they are only storytelling pieces of history but why the f**k do they care about criminal scumbags? Why does anyone care about them?
I could go out now and rob a few banks, maybe kill three or four innocents and actually get supporters. On the other hand, I get myself raped or killed (or better yet both) and im ignored. Cast aside like a weak wretch. ITS A SCREWED UP PLANET WE ARE LIVING ON!
A place where Ted Bundy is revered more than Ted Hughes. Hit the STOP button God, I want to get off.

Ted Hughes !!

This blog is now endorsed by none other than former Poet Laureate and ladies man, Ted Hughes. Probably.


Sex icon Hughes

The Phone That Is....

GARBAGE. Step forward the detestable Samsung GT-S3650, which not only inspires you to quit on technology altogether but also gives you the urge to headbut brick walls. I kid ye not. Oh it tries so hard to be an iPhone! It WANTS to be an iPhone! And it dresses like one, it has a touchscreen like one, but do not be fooled! A calculator made in 1985 is more of an iPhone than this piece of sh!t.


Stabbed: No less than this garbage deserves

Of course the price should tell you the obvious but in these turbulent fiscal times it is easy to be seduced by a cheaper product. I mean, if it does the same job (or similar enough job) as the real thing then who cares?
Trouble is, the Samsung GT-S3650 is dog crap. If dog crap was a mobile telephone, it would model itself on this. And what the f**k does the pretentious sounding GT-S3650 mean? Let me guess ~ Garbage Telephone - Sh!t and some random numbers? Close enough? Is the GT bit supposed to make it sound a bit like a sports car or something? (My money's on 'something.') Because allow the Ranter to make this very clear ~ if this stinking excuse for a cell phone was a car, it would be....DOG CRAP! Dog crap on wheels, with one wheel hanging off and the others stuck.
Let me point out a few of the phones let downs. (It has to only be a few otherwise we would be here all day and im sure you all have nicer, Christmassy things to be getting on with.)
The video: on the (rare) plus side the screen is nice and big, allowing for good playback. Spiffing! Trouble is this phone has less memory than a retarded goldfish so whatever it is you want to capture for prosperity (or more 'private' moments *wink*) then make sure to get it all within five minutes. This might be three minutes longer than you actually need for those private moments *wink* but lets be honest here, five minutes is pretty f**king pathetic. (Okay it can do a bit longer if needed but not much. Ive got an older phone which is able to record an HOUR of footage.)

Even tastes bland

Want to apply a personal touch with your own wallpaper? Not with this you can't, its simply too much for the frigid turd. While other phones allow the user to choose a photograph of their choice and simply set it as a wallpaper or screensaver, Samsung's little piece of plastic leprosy forces you to resize and align the photo before you do so but try as you might, YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET THE PICTURE THE WAY YOU WANT IT! I have a Welsh dragon as my wallpaper. Correction! I have the Welsh dragon's EARHOLE as my wallpaper because thats the way this mobile phone rolls. It won't let you do the simplest of things, you might as well ROLL IT UNDER A DAMN TRUCK!
Make no mistake, this is a lousy mobile telephone which apart from the decent sized screen has no redeeming features whatsover. It even struggles to go online (like it is now) and I swear its powered by steam. I could go on and on about its shortcomings but quite frankly I don't want to give it any more publicity (even bad publicity) its that bad. Plus its Christmas eve EVE and the Rants want to be dissolving into the delicious festive Shants.
I will leave you with this bit of advice ~ should you be unlucky enough to find this unholy mess in your stocking on Saturday morning SEND IT BACK FROM WHENCE IT CAME or trade it for something more useful. Like a paper nail.

I Tweet As Well As Rant

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What Is This? Search Me....

A lot of households are webbed up in these 'enlightened' times. There is little excuse for ignorance. Need to find something? The search engine is your friend. Afterall if its not online, its not important. All the interesting and cool stuff has a website. Even churches are getting in on the technical act.
But do you want to know what really boils my schnitzel? Its people who have the internet and STILL ask others, 'what is that?' 'What does that mean?' *BANGS HEAD ON KEYBOARD* Ive seen it on forums and networking sites. USE THE DAMNED SEARCH ENGINE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Its not there to make the internet look pretty, its a tool to be used to FIND STUFF! Really! Try it now!
It can't be pure laziness can it? And nobody is THAT pushed for time. In the time they type out the question and wait for a reply, they could be scanning the search results. (Which are usually better informed than your hungover friend.)
Its something that shouldn't bother me but it does, and lets face it, this blog would be quite empty without my over boiled schnitzel.

Give Me Gin Over Religion This Christmas

You know what I hate about the Christmas period? The self righteous, attempting to ram Christianity down everybodys throats. 'Oh the REAL reason for Christmas is Jesus!' They wail. 'Not buying gifts and drinking yourself into oblivion.' Well f**k me, what were the three wise men doing in the stable then? Looking for a curry house? And as for drinking myself into oblivion then SO WHAT? Its a birthday celebration isn't it? Getting shanted up is what I do on birthdays so go play with your hymn book and leave me with mine. (Rugby hymns.)
Ive seen the ecards doing the rounds on places like Facebook, spouting things like 'Jesus Is The Reason For This Season.' Yes, its the Lads birthday, thats why im getting so AMAZINGLY DRUNK.
Also im not feeling too 'religious' (whatever that means) this year. You see, it will be my daughters first Christmas and I want everything to be magical. Only it won't be magical because it will also be my mothers third Christmas being DEAD. There will be a huge black scab over the festivities knowing that my mother did not share this first Christmas with her third Grandaughter. I know she's looking over us all but I wanted more than that. We don't always get what we want of course so the black scab will have to do but I don't really feel like thanking God for that so i'll skip the religious side of things thank you very much.
So im sticking to gluttony and loot this year and the sanctimonious pewheads (my new word for church goers) had better give me a wide berth. Thinking about it, spending the holidays doing it my way will be a lot more honest than how that motley bunch will be spending it. They preach against commercial gimmicks and stunts on Jesus' birthday, not realising what ghastly hypocrites they are. So there won't be an abundance of gifts and food at their houses eh? No parties or Christmas television specials? None of that eh? WHAT UTTER LIES.

What No Eats?

Remember those Chad things that were popular in the 1980's? You drew a little bald guy peeping over a wall with his big nose dangling over, then wrote 'Wot No' underneath and added a thing which was missing like 'Wot No Beer'. Well after comparing our fastfood chains to Americas I could make one saying, Wot No Eats. We are woefully behind in the food stakes, looking like scruffy paupers. And stuff the health issue, this is about CHOICE!
Over in the United States they have Wendy's, In-N-Out Burger, Jack In The Box, Dunkin' Donuts, Arby's, Sonic Drive-In, KFC, Taco Bell, Denny's (which famously never closes) Quiznos, Hot n' Now, MacDonalds, Waffle House, I could go on and on. What do we have in Britain? MacDonalds, KFC, Pizza Hut and Burger King. Thats it! Its almost laughable, if I wasn't so bloody hungry!
To add to the woe (look it IS woe alright? We're talking about junkfood here) most of them close after 11pm!? So that all the drinker has to look forward to after a merry night on the swill is a sorry looking kebab from a grim little place in some dead end street.
Granted we are the home of fish & chips and I LOVE fresh cod and chips but fish isn't so appealing when the drinker is...well, drunk. No what he/she needs is a burger or fried chicken if you don't get them before 11pm you go hungry. Or dice with death and choose that kebab (proably made from the local stray animals.)
And it doesn't end there either, no sirreee! In good old Blighty (altho im beginning to wonder whats good about it anymore) if we decide to snack on a different countries cuisine we have the amazing option of....two. Thats correct TWO; Indian or Chinese. Some places you might find the odd Greek restraunt but mainly its two. How utterly splendid! Who could want any other food when you have a vindaloo or sweet and sour chicken a cooling?
Seems those damned yankees do. (And I mean that affecionately.) When I was Stateside I could have chosen Thai, Greek, Italian, Chinese, Indian, Vietnamese, Mexican, you name it. It was brilliant and made for exciting nights for my taste buds. And places seem to be OPEN all the time, as opposed to our eat-what-you-want-as-long-as-its-before-11pm-and-Indian-Chinese malarkey.
All very depressing. Where the hell are all the burger joints? Its not as if we shun fastfood because we're a nation of health freaks because we are not! We enjoy that stuff as much as our Star Spangled cousins over there. So please, open the f**k up and give us our daily grease and coronaries.

Black Ice

No I am not talking about AC/DC's rocktastic last record but that cursed stuff that forms on roads when temperatures plummet. Like now. My God it pi$$es me off! I enjoy a bit of snow, it makes gardens look pretty by hiding the broken bicycles and weeds and is soft should you happen to fall in it. There is even the chance you might be able to save your drink from spilling in the fall as its not severe.
Ice on the other claw is VERY severe like the hangover from a four day white cider binge. *shudder* It is evil. So evil in fact that I could picture Satan himself thinking, 'hmm....black ice? No ta, too evil for me!'
And theres little to be done but suffer it. Snow? Easy, dig. Ice? You be f**ked. Pouring boiling water on it only creates MORE ICE as water FREEZES. Duh. Ever had a hangover that picks at your brain all day and nothing you do seems to shift it? THAT IS ICE!
The only thing its good for is cocktails. It makes flagellation look fun.

Snow Joke

Okay before I start dock me a few credibility points for using such an ovious tabloid-alike headline. What can I say? Its freezing cold, my brain has been numbed and ive not touched a drop of the good stuff for three days so the cogs are not 'cogging' in full gear.
So anyway, snow has fallen all over West Wales (and other parts of Britain too) and forecasters predict its going to be around for ten days or so, bringing blizzards and other frosty delights with it. Namely traffic chaos.

Best fetch the sleeping bags

The white stuff only arrived 10am yesterday morning and by 11:30 I was stuck in a two hour gridlocked mess. RAGE! Crazy how a little bit of snow can bring a county to its knees. And of course not just my county but everywhere! Snow can paralyse Britain at will it would seem.
Theres seldom enough gritters on the roads but on the other, more dangerous hand, we have plenty of foolish, impatient motorists who think they're invincible and invariably end up in a hedge or in the back of a ten ton truck. (And I must admit I CHEER when they do. Plebs.)
Why is it other countries fare better? And don't give me the 'we dont get bad weather her often' excuse. Those Ice Road Truckers seem to keep on truckin'. Why the hell can't we?

Willy Wonka's Scarytale Wedding

Ive purposely kept quiet about next years royal wedding because in a rare moment of peace I decided that if I hadn't anything good to say then I should just shut up. But thats not what Ranter the Shanter is about. I dont want no stinking peace! I want to rant! I want to shant! And a recent story regarding this poncy wedding between a woman who looks like a bloke in drag and a guy who resembles a cricket bat has fired the ranter to rant!
The story goes that 100 'golden tickets' will be made available (presumably via a lucky dip) so that a hundred 'normal people' can rub shoulders with the hoi polloi. Am I the only person who thinks this is downright offensive? Its like whoever came up with this idea thought, *Adopts Posh Voice* 'I know! Lets make Will and Cath seem down to earth and give the chance for some commoners to attend the gig.' Cue a load of horsey snorts in agreement whilst thinking to themselves, 'yes yes, those below stairs need a day in the sun with us fine people.'
That was EXACTLY the thought I had upon reading this piece of 'news'. Not 'oh what a wonderful idea' or 'three cheers, God bless ya Guv'nor!' I just thought it was pretty horrid. A downright sickly gimmick.
At the end of the day I don't know the couple and if they're happy, good luck to them. Everybody deserves a loving partner I suppose. But I want nothing to do with it and stupid stunts like this only serve to make me want to spew pretty shades of bile. Ditto to the planned street parties. I didn't attend a street party when his late mother was married (I locked myself in the bedroom) and I will be doing the same next year. (Only this time im old enough for scotch to keep me company.)
Now unless some other stupid idea is formed, you dear reader will not hear me comment on this foul affair any more.

Britain In Need

So once again Children In Need rolls around, dragging Z list 'celebrities' along with it in order to grab as much cash as possible from you. (I wonder how much of their appearance fee goes to the charity? Hmm?) Its been going on since forever and has become a kind of start to the countdown for Christmas.
Well I want no part of it and if this makes me a Scrooge figure then fine, I'll take it, it matters not. I find it particularly galling this year to be asked to dig deep, when most of the country is on its ass due to government cuts everywhere we turn. How dare the BBC (yes its that foul corporation again) demand money from us in return for paper thin 'entertainment' from people who were it not for Simon Cowell would struggle to sell out a toilet.
I give plenty of cash throughout the year without being into this sickly mess. Hell if the BBC really want to help children in need then why don't they donate £10 from everyones TV licence fee to charity? Eh? Why not do that intead? They'd get far more money because we're FORCED to pay that. At least I wouldn't have to look at that stupid Pudsey bear then. Greedy, sickening people.
So don't go looking at me for money, we ALL need money the way this country is being flushed down the toilet. Sorry but due to being strongarmed to fork out for television licences and being taxed out the backside then I have no money to spare so take those no mark singers and that foul teddy bear and f**k off. Now.

Rudolph The Well Done Kebab

In the news tonight something which has sent my blood pressure SOARING through the roof. It seems supermarket chain Lidl has come under fire for selling reindeer steaks in the run-up to Christmas. The German store has introduced the £5.99 steaks along with other "luxury cuisine" such as pheasant, venison and springbok.
And of course idiot animal rights charity PETA have the led the charge against the supermarket saying its 'revolting.'
Please PETA, and all you other self serving, lily livered PRATS, do me (and the sensible people in the world) a favour and F**K OFF! If I want to eat reindeer, pheasant or bloody minced dog, then I WILL and none of your holier-than-thou-animals-are-equal crap is going to stop me. In fact it will only serve to make me even more DETERMINED to try these succulent morsels and flick the bones in your direction.
How dare these poncy organisations try to tell me what I can and can not eat. Pity the store wasn't offering fried dog chops and cats liver because they'd be on my menu too.
What the hells the difference between turkey and reindeer? Both in plentiful supply, get 'em on the stove. And believe it or not I am an animal lover, just because I eat meat is neither here nor there. Could the same man who cries uncontrollably over a dying hedgehog, also fry a pig? Of course they could. I am in wonder how some could think otherwise.
I am quite bored of turkey by now, and usually dine on goose at Christmas, but after reading PETA's objection to deer meat, I will now have another animal on the table this Yuletide. In fact I will have three or four and think of PETA while I raise a glass in one hand and Rudolph's leg in the other.

Beep Beep Cee

Its the big fight this weekend, boxing heavyweight championship of the world and the funny thing is its between two Brits, Haye v Harrison. Im betting Haye drops Audrey (yes AUDREY) in the 3rd. Sad thing is its meant to be a WORLD TITLE yet the BBC didn't even put a bid in to show it live. Makes me wonder: where does my f**king licence money go??
Ah yes the licence. 'Whats that?' I hear my American readers ask incredulously. Allow me to share; we here in jolly old Britain (but not exclusive to us) must pay annually for the right to watch television by having a television licence, or broadcast receiver licence as its also known. The charge? A snip at £145.50p. (The vasectomy kind of snip without anaesthesia.)
This sad state of affairs began in the early days of broadcasting when broadcasters were at a loss on how to fund their services. A few countries went the advertising route (good idea) but others adopted compulsory subscription crap, with the subscription coming in the iron fist form of the broadcast licence paid by mugs, sorry households owning either a radio or TV.
Britain was the first country to adopt the compulsory public subscription crap with the licence fee money (think mob protection) going to the BBC. Now im a fair man, I understand the begining of broadcasting needed money to fire up its engines but BLUDDY HELL ! Are we STILL willing to allow ourselves to be squeezed like lemons for every silver crown so that the Beeb can continue to pay its entertainers over the odds for (ever increasing) stale rubbish? We really are clowns to stand for it.
Why cant we follow countries like Australia and Portugal (amongst others) and ABOLISH the damned thing? And what about places like America, Canada and Hong Kong who never had a television licence?
The BBC has had control of this licence scam (and it IS) for too long now. I get the feeling it thinks its entitled to the fee purely because it was at the forefront of broadcasting. Well NO 'auntie' you are not, so get your dirty hands OUT of the publics pockets. You dont even make decent television anymore. I don't watch BBC.
I will say it again louder, I DO NOT WATCH THE BBC! So why the fudge am I being forced to pay for it? Its a horrible word FORCED but its what is happening. FORCED and robbed.
Other people whine about the high price of Sky TV but thats optional. Nobody HAS to get a Sky package whereas everyone must pay for regular television thanks to the Beeb. Why do we put up with it? Why? What everyone ought to do is scrap television until the damned thing is FREE. It wouldn't take long.
And who knows? While we're not zoned in to the tube, we might create some fantastic new masterpiece. Look at what Shakespeare and the Romantic poets did without television. But I digress.
I (along with the rest of the nation) am fed up with the licence fee and its high time we stopped allowing ourselves to be mugged. And getting threatened if we complain about the mugging. (TV detector vans are nothing more than official thugs reinforcing an iron rule.) We should switch OFF, at least until we are given the CHOICE to pay for a BBC package. Whats Auntie so worried about? Afraid nobody would choose their crappy channel and what it offers. Or not offers.

Heroes Outshine The Whiners

Today we stop to honour Rememberance Day, or Armistice Day. Veterans Day to Americans. But no matter what we call it, the thoughts behind it are the same. We remember those brave men and women who have served, and are serving, in conflicts throughout the world. Both past and present. The souls who have given, and are still giving, their lives for our freedom.
It is observed on this date (11 November) to recall the official end of World War I on that date in 1918, after hostilities of the first World War formally ended 'at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month' of 1918.
And how well people remember. Shops, streets, pubs, car parks, in fact most public places, all halted what they were doing at 11am tp stand in 2 minures silence. Even radios took part to honour the brave. It is an emotional thing to see and be part of, with a cocktail of feelings surging through ones frame; pride, sadness, anger, frustration, hope.
I can honestly say that Rememberance Day is the only time I feel 'at one' with my fellow Brits. During those two minutes silence I feel my trust in humanity come flooding back as if the missing part of my spirit suddenly found my body once more. It really is a special moment. (Sadly its a fleeting surge of hope because come the 12th im back feeling nothing but drudgery and dismay at the UK.)
Rewind to just one day to November 10th however and the ugly, more accurate face of this country emerges. Thousands of students (admittedly not my most favourite of people) rampaged in spots of london to protest against increases in university fees. Now had these oafs held a peaceful demonstation to show their annoyance in a civil manner, I would have no problem. Everyone has the right to protest in a free country afterall.
Charging around, hurling bricks and bottles, smashing windows and generally behaving like Cro-Magnon man is quite frankly where you lose my support. Sure there were elements of the rent-a-riot crew involved (people who will jump on any cause purely for a chance to create mayhem) but it couldn't have been all down to them. I can well imagine a house full of students getting blotto on snakebites and deciding it would be fun to don V For Vigilante masks to liven the protest up a bit.
This is where character shines through and the public is able to see true colours. The British military are not the best equipped army in the world and there are areas where life in the forces could be improved upon but you don't see our soldiers taking to the streets and stoving in windows. They simply get on with it and go off to do their duty, with death hounding them at every step.
We ought send those students caught up in the protest clashes over to Helmand to see if they could put that agression to some use. That would have them scuttling home to mummy with their spliffs between their pansy legs.
It has certainly been an interesting last few days to stand back and observe. To watch, sniff the air and take notes on the mankinds great balancing act. Great thinkers might come from the halls of academia but without people who are prepared to lay down their life in defence of the country then universities might as well be as empty as our castle's dungeons.

The Weight Of Ink

Why do people think getting a tattoo hurts? While in fear of this sounding like a Monty Python sketch, tattoos DO NOT hurt; its only a flesh wound, that feels like a vigourous scratching session. Surely everybody has had (and taken pleasure from) one of those? Good grief, listening to some prattle on and on (and on ad finitum) about how getting inked is SOOOO painful is like listening to a description of crucifixtion.
'Ooh the needle went deep!' Or 'I bled for like 4 days straight,' are some of the war stories I hear. Its the Falklands or Vietnam revisited. Drama queens.


Argghh! They almost cut my arm off!

Can I just honestly state that in my opinion they are pretty painless affairs. Like being hit about the skull with cotton wool. Ok maybe not THAT painless but its no call for hysterics. In my view ~ currently I have 21 tatts ~ its more uncomfortable than agony. More a dull thud than viscous sting. I often found myself chatting away to my tattooist while getting inked, oblivious to the supposed 'pain'. Oh and im not trying to play the 'He Man' type here because if I wanted to do that then all I would need to do is turn it on its head and say that tattoos are VERY painful but I still went ahead with getting over twenty on my body. So no, this is no macho rant to try and make me sound 'hard' or 'cool'.
No doubt it does put fear into some but might not a contributing factor be the noise of the machine driving the needle? It sounds like an infernal dentist at work and as the majority of us hate going to get our teeth treated, the buzzing sound does unsettle a few of the more timid souls.
That must be it then. For certainly that tiny needle making koi fish and reaper paterns on your *insert body part here* couldn't be it. Could it?

EU Blues

First it was bananas (or was it cucumber?) then came weights and measures, and now the European Union is interfering with our prison system by forcing us to allow inmates the right to vote. Poxy Maastricht Treaty. It was a sorry day the UK decided it would be a good idea to be a part of it.
Having a quick glance at the website reveals that the EU is committed to regional intergration. Well isn't that fine and dandy? The problem is its NOT! Don't get me wrong, I love the different cultures and cuisines that countries in Europe have to offer, but I don't wish to become a part of it. Im not interested in the USE (United States of Europe) because it strips us of character and individuality which in the end will spell disaster. There will be no different cultures, laws, etc and the whole of Europe will turn into one big, bland club (no doubt smelling of garlic and cheese.)
And don't forget, the EU refuses to respect the views of a nation. Remember when Ireland said No to the Nice Treaty in 2001? That was not the decision the European Union wanted to hear so the Irish were forced to hold a second referendum on the Lisbon European Union Treaty in order to arrive at the 'right' decision. Right for who? Not the Irish, their answer was NO.

Oops ~ my lighter slipped

So the Irish were forced to rethink, as every country under this vile umbrella must do. It must be their way or no way. For example the death penalty? Nope sorry, entry into the EU is refused because executions are too barbaric. We should execute a Frenchman and get ourselves kicked out. Britain recently supplied the necessary drugs for Arizona to perform a lethal injection. I was hoping that would have got us blackballed but sadly no.
I don't want to be ruled by a European Union (and im not alone) because not only do I disagree with a lot of the thinking and ideas but I also distrust it completely. Like I said, I love Europe and what the different countries have to offer but I do NOT want 'regional intergration'. Being as 'one' with each other means being like robots, all doing the same thing like automatons. Hardly fertile ground for creativity. A terrible state to be in.
And thats exactly what EU will be; a terrible state.

Aisle Swing For You!

Supermarkets. The place where people shop. For beer. Or food. Not really the most comfortable of social settings, so why on earth do some people use it as a place to catch up on family stories, spread the gossip and generally be a pain in the posterior? One could swear there was a sign on the door saying ~ Walk Right In, Relax, Pull Up A Trolley. There is that many people holding a conference among the pizza and kippers that its a wonder the big chains haven't thought to lay on buffets and cocktails.
Get outta my way you nincompoops, busy guy coming through! (Or trying to.) You're holding people up here, so for the love of God ~ GET OUTTA MY WAY! You might not have anything to do but the rest of us have. So puuleeese, save the chit chat for school reunions (where everyone is as bad yourself) and keep clear.
I was looking for bread once and thought a party had broken out among the French sticks. How I overcame the urge to smash someone in the ankles with the trolley wheels I'll never know. The God of Patience must have been looking for chops in the next aisle and some rubbed off on me. (Patience I mean, not the God. Im not in the habit of rubbing up to Gods.)


BANZAAAAIIIII!

That isn't the only thing about supermarkets that get my dander up either. Checkouts manned by the invisible man/woman don't exactly help in lowering my blood pressure. In my local Tesco and Morrison's there must be around 20 checkout tills but I have yet to see them ALL open at once. Usually only half are being manned, the rest stand idle as queues pile up behind the open checkouts. Why is that?
Do these places think I ENJOY standing in line like a lemon behind some sweaty, fat man in a football jersey? Or worse, standing in front of a nosey, old bat who insists on looking at everything you're buying as you place the goods on the conveyor belt. Don't look at my booze with that disapproving glint in your eye! I don't condemn you for having a trolley full of Sanatogen and bran flakes.
OPEN THE DAMNED CHECKOUTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! All of them, this instant! And while you are at it put prices on everything so that I don't have to use the bloody price checker machine every two minutes. What am I? Doing your job for you now?
I swear shopping trips are getting longer by the week. Little wonder the use of alcohol is very, shall we say liberal when I finally get home.

Part Deux Suxx

Film studios these days are clogged full of sequels because that is where the safe money is (and because movie makers are generally a lazy bunch) but it makes for BOOORING cinema let me tell you. Boring. Coma inducing. Bring-a-sleeping-bag-to-the-cinema. Boring.
The more successful ones may bring in shedloads of the green stuff which is fine and dandy for directors, producers and actors but for we the audience its frustrating. And more than that its boring! (Theres that word again.) Yes yes, we enjoyed it the first time around, it was original and fresh and all kinds of lovely. Part two however, rarely offers the same thrills.

Part 7

How many sequels have there been that were any good? Rambo II, The Godfather II and Terminator 2 were certainly excellent, not to mention the second Robocop which ramped the misery and violence up a dozen notches* but by and large sequels are pretty sucky and the more they go on (I think Friday the 13th is on 50th installment) the bigger and fouler the stench. Its simply an excuse for studios to print money and the least they could do is be honest; Shrek 12 ~ The Ogre Wants More Moolah!
I suppose I can lump movie remakes in here too (of course I can, its MY blog.) Remakes are worse than sequels and make no artistic sense whatsoever. The only one that was ever decent was Cape Fear and that was due in no small part to a stellar cast including Robert De Niro, Nick Nolte and Jessica Lange who were perfect in my non film critic eyeballs.
Today the remake is king and everything is being redone, including movies that ought to be untouchable. A few that pi$$ed me off were King Kong, Clash Of The Titans, Nightmare On Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Each of these originals were brilliant pieces of cinema, absolute gems, there was no need to remake them. They were bloody perfect as they were. And this is a real shame because if a classic is left alone and not re-made then it remains a flawless great without blemish, but when directors decide to meddle and make a re-hash (that inevitably STINKS) then wallop! Its ruined and the original great is forever tainted. Its annoying!
So the message to Hollywood (fast becoming HollyBored) is QUIT the lousy sequels and GOD AWFUL re-makes and do something ORIGINAL for a change. Your reward will be greater. Honestly.

*Futuristic films should always have a huge dose of misery because humanity has reached its summit but thats another story.