Everyone and their shot glass knows that Wimbledon is happening right now in erm...Wimbledon and great! I love me a little tennis, especially when the rather lovely Serena Williams is playing so that I can ogle her fine pair of legs. (Too bad she went out earlier). Also the event is a good excuse to pour a few Pimm's and lay about on the chez lounge like Cliff Richard's boozier twin.
Just one thing; WHY IN THE NAME OF BJORN BORG'S ODOUR EATERS HAVE THE BBC GOT TIM 'NEVER WON A CABBAGE' HENMAN COMMENTATING ON MATCHES? HE HASN'T WON ANYTHING IMPORTANT AND REPEATEDLY FAILED AT WIMBLEDON. 'HENMAN HILL' MY DRUNKEN ASS! HE CAN SPOUT ALL THE TECHNICAL ADVICE ON THE SPORT IN A BBC STUDIO ALL HE WANTS, HE DIDN'T PUT ANY OF IT TO USE WHEN HE PLAYED.
AND HAS THERE EVER BEEN A MORE BORING ATHLETE? LITTLE TIMMY WOULD MAKE STEVE DAVIS LOOK LIKE IGGY POP! HE LOOKS SO SOBER, AND NOW I NEED A SHOT.
For the most part im a gentle, contented soul, happy to let life go on its merry way. But sometimes things happen that would test the patience of a saint (or a poet) and for these little troubles I give you Ranter the Shanter ~ Born to shant, Loves to rant! You think im cute when I get mad? Well in a minute im about to be f**king gorgeous.
Monday 27 June 2011
Mwynhauwch!
Blank faces when you read (or tried to read) that title eh? Like discovering you left the cap off last nights cider and must face over 2 litres of flat apple juice. 'Mwynhauwch' is Welsh dears, Welsh for 'enjoy'. And as its shaping up to be one of the hottest days of the year, with glorious sunshine even at 7am, your dear Ranter suggests you do just that!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYONE MOANING THAT ITS TOO HOT AND COMPLAINING IF THE DRINKS ARE WARM! I know we Brits think we have a God given right to whine about the weather but its getting quite tiresome if truth be told.
Chilled!
Yes, the fair Ranter exists to RANT and SHANT but not about the sunshine! ARE WE MAD? WE ONLY EVER SEE THE FRIGGEN' THING FOR A TOTAL OF 3 WEEKS A YEAR, WE OUGHT TO BE EMBRACING THESE STICKY DAYS AND BALMY NIGHTS LIKE THEY WERE THE ONLY PINA COLADAS LEFT IN THE FRIDGE. THE REST OF THE TIME WE'RE ALL WRAPPED UP IN DUFFLE COATS LIKE A HERD OF TROUT ON OUR WAY TO A DRAUGHTY CHAPEL.
REJOICE! HALLELUJAH! A BLAZING SUN MEANS MORE FOLK ARE INCLINED TO PARTAKE OF ALCOHOL, NOT TO MENTION THE FAIRER SEX LIKE TO DRESS UP IN SHORT SKIRTS AND CLEAVAGE REVEALING TOPS. (Actually that should be 'dressing down').
SO GET THEE OUTSIDE AND SIZZLE LIKE BACON AND GUZZLE AND OGLE UNTIL YOUR HEARTS (AND EYES) BE FILLED!!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYONE MOANING THAT ITS TOO HOT AND COMPLAINING IF THE DRINKS ARE WARM! I know we Brits think we have a God given right to whine about the weather but its getting quite tiresome if truth be told.
Chilled!Yes, the fair Ranter exists to RANT and SHANT but not about the sunshine! ARE WE MAD? WE ONLY EVER SEE THE FRIGGEN' THING FOR A TOTAL OF 3 WEEKS A YEAR, WE OUGHT TO BE EMBRACING THESE STICKY DAYS AND BALMY NIGHTS LIKE THEY WERE THE ONLY PINA COLADAS LEFT IN THE FRIDGE. THE REST OF THE TIME WE'RE ALL WRAPPED UP IN DUFFLE COATS LIKE A HERD OF TROUT ON OUR WAY TO A DRAUGHTY CHAPEL.
REJOICE! HALLELUJAH! A BLAZING SUN MEANS MORE FOLK ARE INCLINED TO PARTAKE OF ALCOHOL, NOT TO MENTION THE FAIRER SEX LIKE TO DRESS UP IN SHORT SKIRTS AND CLEAVAGE REVEALING TOPS. (Actually that should be 'dressing down').
SO GET THEE OUTSIDE AND SIZZLE LIKE BACON AND GUZZLE AND OGLE UNTIL YOUR HEARTS (AND EYES) BE FILLED!!
Saturday 25 June 2011
Adverts Begone !
Straight off the bat here; I HATE ADVERTS POPPING UP UNEXPECTABLY ON THE INTERWEBZ, ITS ANNOYING AS WARM BEER AND ANY COMPANY WHO THINKS THEY'LL GET A SALE FROM THE RANTER BUYING THEIR CRAPPY PRODUCTS CAN FORGET IT! THIS GOES FOR SH!TTY TELEVISION ADVERTS TOO. 'GO COMPARE' GUY, GO COMPARE YOUR ASS. THOSE 118 118 DINGBATS, GO F**K YOURSELVES!
PICTURE SHARING SITES ARE THE WORST IN MY EXPERIENCE. TRY UPLOADING A FEW SNAPS AND BANG! AN ADVERT FLOGGING INSURANCE OR SOMETHING POPS UP. BASTARDOS. YOU WON'T GET A PENNY OUT OF ME.
PICTURE SHARING SITES ARE THE WORST IN MY EXPERIENCE. TRY UPLOADING A FEW SNAPS AND BANG! AN ADVERT FLOGGING INSURANCE OR SOMETHING POPS UP. BASTARDOS. YOU WON'T GET A PENNY OUT OF ME.
Thursday 16 June 2011
And The Point Is?
Apologies my pickled brethren for my unusual silence these past few weeks. You see your dear Ranter has been moving house and was interwebz free, thus I was unable to spew my bitter bile on things that pisseth me off. (And id just like this opportunity to tell you that those people who like to move house every few years or so are insane, insane I tell you!!)
Anyway, cheats. What are they about then? Eh? The type who really boil my lager and have me running for the fridge are gaming cheats. Everywhere I go, videogame shops, internet, magazines, Facebook, yada yada, there are offers of game cheats to 'help' you get ahead in your favourite game. HELP MY SOZZLED ASS! ITS NOT F**KING 'HELP', ITS DOWNRIGHT LAZINESS AND IF YOU NEED CHEATS TO BEAT A GAME THEN YOU SHOULD GIVE YOURSELF A SLAP AND WALK AWAY FROM IT! *Drinks shot*
Now im not talking about those who genuinely get stuck on a fiendish level after they've attempted to overcome it by not using cheats. Hell we ALL do that and anyone who has played Ghosts n' Goblins will know what I mean.
IM SPEAKING OF THOSE CRETINOUS TYPES WHO IMMEDIATELY AFTER STARTING A GAME, INPUT A CHEAT IN ORDER FOR THEM TO GAIN ALL THE GOODIES THEN SIT BACK WITH A SMUG GRIN ON THEIR HORRIBLE FACES! A POX ON THEM ALL, I HOPE THEY ALL GET AWFUL HANGOVERS EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T DRINK. WHY DO IT? WHAT IS THE POINT OF BOOTING UP A NEW GAME THEN ACHIEVING EVERYTHING VIA CHEAT CODES? ITS NOT CLEVER YOU PUNY MINDED SOULS! HOW CAN YOU FEEL A SENSE OF TRIUMPH IF YOU'VE CHEATED? YOU UTTERLY FALSE BA$TARDS! STICK TO LEGO OR PLAY DOH. *Drinks shot*
Anyway, cheats. What are they about then? Eh? The type who really boil my lager and have me running for the fridge are gaming cheats. Everywhere I go, videogame shops, internet, magazines, Facebook, yada yada, there are offers of game cheats to 'help' you get ahead in your favourite game. HELP MY SOZZLED ASS! ITS NOT F**KING 'HELP', ITS DOWNRIGHT LAZINESS AND IF YOU NEED CHEATS TO BEAT A GAME THEN YOU SHOULD GIVE YOURSELF A SLAP AND WALK AWAY FROM IT! *Drinks shot*
Now im not talking about those who genuinely get stuck on a fiendish level after they've attempted to overcome it by not using cheats. Hell we ALL do that and anyone who has played Ghosts n' Goblins will know what I mean.
IM SPEAKING OF THOSE CRETINOUS TYPES WHO IMMEDIATELY AFTER STARTING A GAME, INPUT A CHEAT IN ORDER FOR THEM TO GAIN ALL THE GOODIES THEN SIT BACK WITH A SMUG GRIN ON THEIR HORRIBLE FACES! A POX ON THEM ALL, I HOPE THEY ALL GET AWFUL HANGOVERS EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T DRINK. WHY DO IT? WHAT IS THE POINT OF BOOTING UP A NEW GAME THEN ACHIEVING EVERYTHING VIA CHEAT CODES? ITS NOT CLEVER YOU PUNY MINDED SOULS! HOW CAN YOU FEEL A SENSE OF TRIUMPH IF YOU'VE CHEATED? YOU UTTERLY FALSE BA$TARDS! STICK TO LEGO OR PLAY DOH. *Drinks shot*
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