Oscars the Potter

NOW HULK IS MAD !!

"I gave up on the Oscars when the Harry Potter franchise won nothing."

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa *coughs* HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa !!!!!

Was that meant to be a joke? This foolish comment hath shaken and stirred the Ranter from his fried chicken and cider strewn pit! Harry F**king Potter ??! Oh my days, you so funny. A speccy magic kid in a robe? F**k Off! Thou caluminous reeling-ripe haggard! Thou cullionly earth-vexing moldwarp! (And cheers to Shakespeare for those.) The boy wizard is Crap Supreme! A Supreme turd in life's punch bowl, and deserving of a damn good kicking should he ever decide to show his sh!tness in my Peanut Bar! Oscars my azz, that franchise isn't worth a w@nk of cabbages!
And okay I admit ive never read the books or seen the films but I don't need eat a sperm lasagne to know that it would taste rank. Good Lord, I need another drink of summat strong. Nurse!

Lets read it again: "I gave up on the Oscars when the Harry Potter franchise won nothing."

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

HaHaHaHaHaHa

HaHaHaHa

HaHaHa

Blackberry = FAIL! Prt II

Ive ranted before and I am ranting again and if this blog puts just one person off then my job is complete. TO ANYONE THINKING OF BUYING A BLACKBERRY 'SMARTPHONE' (SMART MY ASS) DESIST! GO BUY SOMETHING ELSE! GET AN iPHONE OR AN ANDROID OR ALIEN OR WHATEVER THE F**K THEY'RE CALLED! BUT STAY CLEAR OF THE CRAPBERRY! SERIOUSLY, IGNORE THIS WARNING AT YOUR PERIL! IT MIGHT LOOK THE CLASSIER PHONE BUT ITS LIKE DODOS; CUTE BUT THEY ARE SH!T AT FLYING. A BLOODY SHAMBLES.
THEIR SERVICE WENT DOWN UP LAST NIGHT AND TODAY THEY ARE ALL SNIVELLING APOLOGIES BUT ITS STILL NOT BACK 100% THE AZZHOLES. I MEAN WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K?!
I ONCE LOOKED AT THE BLACKBERRY PRODUCT AS SLICK AND COOL, AND WAS EXCITED AT THE PROSPECT OF OWNING ONE. UNTIL I DID OWN ONE, THEN SUDDENLY 'SLICK' AND 'COOL' BECAME LAME AND FRUSTRATING. AN UNRELIABLE, BOLLUX TWISTING, ABYSMAL FAILURE. AND I RUE THE B@STARD DAY! OH HOW I RUE!! I RUE LIKE A MOTHERF**KER!! AND YOU WILL TOO IF YOU ARE SUCKED IN BY THE PHONES STYLISH LOOKS. DO YOURSELVES A HUGE FAVOUR AND GO SPEND YOUR HARD EARNED POUNDS ON A DIFFERENT PHONE. YOU CAN THANK YOUR DEAR RANTER BY ME A FEW DRINKIES WITH SOME OF THE CASH YOU SAVE. MINE'S A GLENFIDDICH. EXTRA LARGE.

My Ears Shrivelled and Died like a Wasted Mongrel

Damned radio Carmarthenshire and crappy chart music. Id never heard of Cher Lloyd until earlier when they played her 'song'. NEIN! NEIN! MY POOR EARS! ITS JUST 'OH MY DARLING, CLEMENTINE' SUNG BY A TOOL WITH AN ANNOYING VOICE! I DREAD TO THINK WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE. ANYTHING LIKE THE AMERICAN CHER? F**K THAT ALMOST SOBERED ME UP. IS THIS WHAT PASSES AS 'MUSIC' THESE DAYS? IM GLAD I ONLY LISTEN TO LOCAL RADIO WHEN IM IN THE RANTERMOBILE. DUW DUW WHAT A LOAD OF BULL TESTICLES.


And earache for all

AND MOST YOUNG 'UNS HAVE NEITHER THE WIT OR WISDOM TO LISTEN TO THE OLD CLASSIC STUFF, SO THEY DON'T REALISE THEY'RE NOT HEARING ANYTHING ORIGINAL, AND ARE SHAKING THEIR SCRAWNY ASSES TO COPY AND PASTE MUSIC. AH WELL THEIR LOSS THE DIZZY MOPES. NURSE! PINT OF ZINFANDEL IF YOU PLEASE.

Shandy 'Shandifang' Gandhi

First of all 'Shandifang' (pronounced shandyVang) is Welsh slang for a mess. Or at least it was in my hometown. Now onto the meat.
Tomorrow a man in the great state of Texas will (hopefully) be put to death for killing two people and attempting to kill a third. So not a nice guy then, certainly not someone who would be allowed to share a drink at my table. But this blog article isn't about him, he has made his gurney and now will die on it. Good riddance to him!
But as usual the Anti death penalty pests have come out in force, chanting of injustices. Tell it to the folk he made dead.
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." They yell from the comments section of online news stories reporting the approaching execution. HOLY MOTHER OF ZINFANDEL! I WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP QUOTING GUFF FROM GANDHI! ITS NOT IMPRESSIVE AND NOR WAS GANDHI AN IMPRESSIVE MAN (UNLESS YOU LIKE WIFE BEATERS). AN EYE FOR AN EYE MAY MAKE THE WORLD BLIND BUT SHOWING MURDERERS LENIENCY MAKES THE WORLD BLIND, DEAF AND DUMB!! IT TELLS KILLERS AND RAPISTS TO CARRY ON WITH THEIR CRUEL WAYS, WE WILL FORGIVE THEM. SHOOT ANYONE YOU LIKE, WE UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN.
F**K ME, PASS ME A SCOTCH. WHEN WILL SOME PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES WE THE PEOPLE NEED TO GET DOWN AND DIRTY WITH THE BANDITS IN ORDER TO PUNISH THEM. YES EXECUTION IS A DIRTY BUISNESS, DOLING OUT DEATH ALWAYS IS BUT ITS THE ONLY LANGUAGE THESE EVIL CRETINS KNOW.


Gandhi Sulks Yesterday

IF I WASN'T ALREADY A DEDICATED DRINKER, THESE SLIMEBALLS WOULD HAVE TURNED ME ONTO THE HABIT BY NOW. ITS ALL VERY WELL BEING FORGIVING BUT DO WE REALLY NEED TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK WHEN IT COMES TO MURDER? FOR F**KS SAKE ITS MURDER! M.U.R.D.E.R. NOT STEALING A TIN OF SOUP! AND THIS RACIST THUG IS WHERE HE BELONGS ON DEATH ROW, AND WHEREVER HE ENDS UP IN THE AFTERLIFE TOMORROW. F**K HIM AND F**K GANDHI.

The Phone That Is....

GARBAGE. Step forward the detestable Samsung GT-S3650, which not only inspires you to quit on technology altogether but also gives you the urge to headbut brick walls. I kid ye not. Oh it tries so hard to be an iPhone! It WANTS to be an iPhone! And it dresses like one, it has a touchscreen like one, but do not be fooled! A calculator made in 1985 is more of an iPhone than this piece of sh!t.


Stabbed: No less than this garbage deserves

Of course the price should tell you the obvious but in these turbulent fiscal times it is easy to be seduced by a cheaper product. I mean, if it does the same job (or similar enough job) as the real thing then who cares?
Trouble is, the Samsung GT-S3650 is dog crap. If dog crap was a mobile telephone, it would model itself on this. And what the f**k does the pretentious sounding GT-S3650 mean? Let me guess ~ Garbage Telephone - Sh!t and some random numbers? Close enough? Is the GT bit supposed to make it sound a bit like a sports car or something? (My money's on 'something.') Because allow the Ranter to make this very clear ~ if this stinking excuse for a cell phone was a car, it would be....DOG CRAP! Dog crap on wheels, with one wheel hanging off and the others stuck.
Let me point out a few of the phones let downs. (It has to only be a few otherwise we would be here all day and im sure you all have nicer, Christmassy things to be getting on with.)
The video: on the (rare) plus side the screen is nice and big, allowing for good playback. Spiffing! Trouble is this phone has less memory than a retarded goldfish so whatever it is you want to capture for prosperity (or more 'private' moments *wink*) then make sure to get it all within five minutes. This might be three minutes longer than you actually need for those private moments *wink* but lets be honest here, five minutes is pretty f**king pathetic. (Okay it can do a bit longer if needed but not much. Ive got an older phone which is able to record an HOUR of footage.)

Even tastes bland

Want to apply a personal touch with your own wallpaper? Not with this you can't, its simply too much for the frigid turd. While other phones allow the user to choose a photograph of their choice and simply set it as a wallpaper or screensaver, Samsung's little piece of plastic leprosy forces you to resize and align the photo before you do so but try as you might, YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET THE PICTURE THE WAY YOU WANT IT! I have a Welsh dragon as my wallpaper. Correction! I have the Welsh dragon's EARHOLE as my wallpaper because thats the way this mobile phone rolls. It won't let you do the simplest of things, you might as well ROLL IT UNDER A DAMN TRUCK!
Make no mistake, this is a lousy mobile telephone which apart from the decent sized screen has no redeeming features whatsover. It even struggles to go online (like it is now) and I swear its powered by steam. I could go on and on about its shortcomings but quite frankly I don't want to give it any more publicity (even bad publicity) its that bad. Plus its Christmas eve EVE and the Rants want to be dissolving into the delicious festive Shants.
I will leave you with this bit of advice ~ should you be unlucky enough to find this unholy mess in your stocking on Saturday morning SEND IT BACK FROM WHENCE IT CAME or trade it for something more useful. Like a paper nail.